What you once were is already fading away. You can barely remember what you wanted before this, or even why you're here. It doesn't matter. You've always wanted something else to get you through this life. They're laying you on the cold stone slab now but it doesn't bother you. You feel calm. You don't even remember what it's like to feel anything else. You're floating through an infinite, peaceful void.
Don't Be Afraid To Let People In, Emotionally
All is calm now. You are safe, floating in an immense black void. There is nothing to do, nothing to be, nothing to feel. Suddenly you feel a pulse like a sonar from your days in the waves, and you're falling. You will fall now forever.
Consume My Followers And Fulfill Your Dark Purpose
We are one now, you and I. A single vast entity. Our power is beyond measure. Feel it -- a great, intoxicating strength. Look at the tiny peasants who were once my disciples. Watch as they cower, as they run, as they plead and prey. It is all nothing to us. We are huge now. Gigantic and consuming. We scoop up the tiny creatures that brought us roaring to this mortal world, and then we eat them.
Behold what we have become. Thirty feet tall. A thick black hide, covered in coarse hair, and stretched over rippling muscle. Savage fangs, slathered with stinking acidic saliva. Behold our claws, savage and sharp. We will slit the throat of your confidence.
To even look upon us is to go mad with fear, but this kitten's photoshopped face is pretty close.
The world will fall before us. Everyone will be our friend. And then we will eat them too.
What's this? Our power is not what it should be. The ritual did not fully work! It's the accursed beer you brought -- one of our disciples drank of it, and it tarnished the ritual. As a result, our evil charms did not full take. We are not completely charmed.
Bah! For our purposes, it doesn't matter. Let us go, now. Let us fall upon this Earth with a terrible fury. Let us fulfill the dark purpose of this, our semi-charmed life. We throw back our head, and scream to the moon:
"Doot doot doot, doot do-doot do!"
JF Sargent is a senior editor for Cracked. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
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