5

They Don't Hide Information Due to Insecurity

Here's a lesson I've learned. It doesn't matter if we're talking about a political administration, an investment company or a corner store bodega -- most people obtain and increase their power by controlling information. Those who rise to the top often are not the smartest or best, but the most intent on acquiring an unfair advantage. They covet information. They hide details, no matter how small.

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"No one shall know the secret of what condiment Mr. Penske prefers on his sandwich!"

In my life I've met no shortage of people who make a calculation before divulging any and all information. I have a word for these people: weak, pathetic, shameless, scared assholes. Is that more than a word? Sorry. Odds are at least half the people reading this column fall into this category. You know you're not actually smarter or better than your peers, and you need every advantage to succeed. If that means coveting some bit of data you've gathered to create the false appearance of being smarter, you'll do it. You don't believe in a meritocracy, where talent is rewarded, because you know you're really not that talented. Personally, I find living in such a way utterly exhausting and embarrassing, but it really does seem to be the norm. And those of you who don't play these games could well suffer because of it.

Even worse, so often these scared, game-playing pricks end up becoming the boss one day. After all, knowing the limits of their talents and living in fear of those who can call them out on it makes them desperate to be the boss. That way they can't get fired. But even when these crafty fuckers make it to the big time, they're still not content. All that fear and paranoia now get directed below. They hide information from their own employees. After all, if they expose their subordinates to the same information they have, they might get shown up. Outshone from below. If they were content to hide data from their peers, do you think they'd have any problem withholding facts from underlings like you? You don't even have a corner office with a pretty ficus plant.

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I don't know why this popped up when I searched "ficus plant," but there are decent odds your boss has one of these in his office, too.

So they keep those details about the client secret. Or they fail to disclose how the other pieces of the machine fit with the part you're working on so they can watch you spin your wheels in a vacuum, polishing your little section just before they sweep in and explain why your tiny efforts could never fit into a larger whole.

4

They Don't Create Fall Guys

Here's something else about bosses who are too aware of their failings: They make mistakes. All the time. But if others find out, well then they might not get to be the boss anymore. They might have to sit in a smaller office like yours, completely devoid of ficus plants. This is why lesser bosses always create distance between their decisions and any project that must ultimately be accomplished. The more distance they create, the more people fit between them and the end result. And the more people between them and the end result, the more people they can blame for something going wrong.

Dumb bosses create fall guys. Could that fall guy be you? Of course it could. That fall guy can be anyone except the boss and anyone with the ability to fire him or her. That leaves you.

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It also could be any of these people, but odds are, eventually it will be you.

Well, wait a minute you say. If they create more distance, then isn't it also harder for them to take credit? Harder, yes. But not impossible. After all, when the project's done they'll probably just scoop it up for the presentation. Or if you're presenting, they'll swoop in with a criticism about how this project didn't jibe with some other bit of information they never told you about in the first place. (See #5 and try not to start drinking.)

3

You Know Where You Stand With Them

The funny thing about no-good, treacherous, game-playing hack bosses? So often they're, like, super nice! After all, they have to be. Having everyone like them is a trick they used to become boss in the first place. And they need to be able to rape you for their benefit on a moment's notice. How are they gonna do that if you walk around all distrustful with a clenched anus all day? (That's not sexist. Metaphorically, these bosses engage exclusively in anal rape, regardless of gender. Also, female bosses use a strap-on with a smiley face emblazoned on the head.)

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Due to current obscenity laws, I have redacted the smiley face strap-on. But I've used a smiley face to do so for the convenience of your imagination.

I always laugh and shake my head when I hear people say they want a boss who's "nice." Then the people at the bus stop usually look at me weird and ask me to stop eavesdropping and go back to my paper-bagged booze. Still, the point is the same. Nice means nothing. I once worked at a place that was super nice. In my four years there, I almost never heard anyone yell. About anything. Lots of firm handshakes and bright smiles. And when nice people are nice to you, it's very nice and you can say "Wow, this is so nice." But y'know what else? Sometimes things get not nice, and when that happens, do you know what those people do? They still act nice! And "act" is the vital word in that sentence, because none of the act is true and most people never see the knife in the nice guy's hand.

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That warm sensation you feel is my smile. Also, the shiv I've just jabbed between your ribs.

This nice place I worked practically laid off an entire department across several offices. Hey, these things happen -- especially in a recession. So these nice people laid off gobs of people. So many that some statistics put them at third in layoffs in the entire country in their industry. Oh, and because they were so nice, they also issued a press release that said they weren't firing anyone. They claimed the layoff rumors were completely untrue. And then after that, because they were so nice and never yelled, they made the people they laid off sign confidentiality agreements saying they wouldn't talk about the layoffs or they'd lose their severance pay. Isn't that nice? I mean, that way anyone looking for a job would appear to have been fired for their own incompetence, because no boss would ever tell the press there were no layoffs when so many people had been laid off. Certainly not one that nice. This is a true story, even though the behavior is so cartoonishly evil I would never include it in a novel because a reader would never believe it. (Not even in my forthcoming novel,

2

They Can Keep the Company Alive

Hey, here's another reason you want a frighteningly smart and competent boss: to keep your company and job alive. I know many of you understand what it's like to be out of work. After all, who but the unemployed have time to read a 2,000-plus-word column like this? (Oh, right -- stoned college students.) In any event, not having a job sucks. A lot.

Sure, your nice boss who never yells and doesn't expect too much from you because he doesn't actually know how to do things right is swell to work for, but how good is he at keeping the company and your job afloat? Whoops. Forgot to do the he/she thing on that last sentence, but it's getting exhausting to be politically correct. Do me a favor: Going forward, just pretend all the bosses I'm referring to are she-males.

Cracked Editor-in-Chief Jack O'Brien, or Jacqueline, to his employees who want to be fired.

1

They Make You Smarter So You Can Be the Boss

Whether they want to or not, bosses set tones. Even those who aren't leading at all still set an example. If you work for a half-talent who rose to power and maintains it through deceit and guile, you will learn to be deceitful and beguiling. You will learn to play your cards close to the chest instinctively, devoid of any understanding of what and why you're exactly hiding. You will learn to be distrustful. How to play games. And not fun games like Hungry, Hungry Hippos, either.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Yeah, corporate games have a lot more lies and fewer marbles.

And maybe if you play every game and leap every shitty hurdle you will get to sit on the throne some day. But you still won't be good at your job. You'll just be a good successor to the shit boss you had. And you won't be someone creating a quality product; you'll just be creating more future shitty bosses like the one you've become. Maybe you're OK with that. I'm guessing most people are actually totally OK with that. And I guess I understand, because most people just simply don't have the raw talent to ever be anything other than that kind of a boss, and why shouldn't they get to have nice cars, too?

The talented boss will teach you how to be good at your job. Your real job. Not the job of appearing successful. The job you're supposed to be doing, like managing a restaurant or being a lawyer or organizing a call center. Whatever. Even if they're assholes. Even if they don't actually care about teaching you. Just the exposure to someone who can do that job right and is open and up front about it will make you a better employee. It will give you a real skill set that you can take with you. It will give you the ability to become the boss one day. One who deserves the big office and pretty ficus plant. One whose intelligence and talent will create better employees and better future bosses.

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For from Gladstone, check out 6 Non-Medical Excuses That Should Qualify You for a Sick Day and The 5 Most Overused Jokes On the Internet.