The probability of theft is uncertain, but the possibility? 100 percent. It is physically possible for someone to carry off your laptop into oblivion, along with your honeymoon pictures and pirated copy of Final Draft. So why leave ourselves open to this nightmare? Instead, always bring a sweatshirt and a newspaper, use that to claim your table, and bring your foldy-robot into the bathroom with you.
I don't know about you guys, but I only wash apples when someone important is watching.
I don't like getting my hands wet, and I'm very lazy. Usually, I just opt for a hearty rub on my sweatshirt, as if that's going to make it clean. No harm, no foul, right? We're all gonna die, so what's the point in getting your hands all wet to maybe make your apple a little safer?
Well, here are all the things lurking on the surface of your apple:
- Bacteria from soil
- Dirt from the ground
- Dust and rat droppings from sitting in storage
- Bird feces from bird hole
- Pesticide residue from pesticide
- MONSANTO CHEMTRAILS
- Bad thoughts
The chemtrail ghost is the most feared of them all.
Generally, these things pass through your body unnoticed. But in some cases, you can get diarrhea, worms, or a rare condition called ghost-in-butt disease. Scared yet?
Breathe easy, comrade. Here's the FDA's approximately 100-step process for washing produce:
- Wash your hands first with soap and warm water for 20 seconds. To keep track of how long 20 seconds is, sing "Happy Birthday" twice or the "I Love To Wash My Produce" song once. (Lyrics: "Oh, I love to wash my produce / Because I'm an ass-kisser who never makes mistakes / I also pay my taxes early / My whole life is tidy and I've never had weird sex / My name is Claire or Seth, probably / I love lawn games / I don't like it when dogs try to get petted by me / I have an air purifier in every room / My spirit animal is a Brita pitcher / I can't laugh")