Last week, my meth-knowledgeable peer John Cheese established that the teenage years are usually awful and life generally gets better. Now, let's break down that timeline a little more. When you're 18, you can vote. When you're 21, you can drink. And when you're 25, you can rent a car. But what do you get for turning 30? Well, the quick answer is: "hit on by chicks with daddy issues," but you deserve better than a flippant response.
If you clicked the link that took you to this article, then you're probably over 30 and hoping for some good news. Or maybe you're under 30 and reading this because you're curious about things to come. Actually, it's also likely you're just some crappy teen killing time while you wait for your testicles to descend. But whatever the reason, I stand by my original statement that you deserve better.
Oh, and yes, I know those numbers up top are very U.S-centric so there's no need to leave a complaint in the comments. We're all aware that the legal drinking age in Scotland is now 8, and that when you're 14 in Azerbaijan, you qualify for your goat herder's license.
Moving on ...
You Realize Nearly Everyone's a Joke
When I was a little boy, I was in awe of grown-ups, and I honestly wasn't sure I had what it took to navigate the adult world. I would watch my father shave in the mornings. I'd study the way he tied his tie, and how, like all the other commuters, he knew just where to stand for the train doors to open up. And that was before his job even began. I was sure that when my time came, I'd end up lost in Times Square, needing to give my name and phone number to a policeman.
How ironic, then, that I now have less respect for adults than almost anyone I know. Or actually, I guess it makes sense. I spent so many years trying in earnest to lead a successful life that I've discovered a great truth. Are you ready? For anyone worried about their future, please cut this out, laminate it and carry it around with you:
Believe it. I've been there, and I can tell you just about no one knows what they're doing. This applies to everyone. Doctors, lawyers, IRS auditors, sanitation workers, foreign ambassadors, politicians, game show hosts. I promise you. Nearly everyone is faking it or phoning it in. That's good to know -- not just so you don't get malpracticed on or hit with an incorrect tax penalty -- but for your own sanity. You're not as good as anyone, but odds are high you're right in there with 97 percent of the world. And if for some reason, you want to take the time to do things right, well then good for you. You'll be in rarified air.
You Live to See Your Enemies Fail and/or Die
The longer you live, the greater the odds you will get to see the teacher who wrongly deprived you of that scholarship grade you desperately needed have a massive cardiac event, falling down a flight of stairs, and kicking and twitching in a tremendous amount of pain until she dies. See? Getting older can be fun. Especially, if you try not to be too aware that you and your loved ones are also getting closer to that fate. But hey, let's stay positive here. You get to see bad people die.