5 Reasons Hollywood Will Never Depict Moms as Normal People

The thing is, she may have lived even longer if her boy Walt hadn't bought a death trap of a house for her.

Rumor has it that she complained several times about a faulty gas leak in the home, but no one fixed it adequately and she met her fate by asphyxiating on carbon monoxide. We all know Walt may have had an affinity for gas chambers, but despite this inclination he was devastated about his mother's passing, and now we have to endure dead mothers in cartoon form for all eternity.

That her death was the impetus for the startling run of missing mom movies isn't at all guaranteed, but that's not the point. Those movies still exist, and they came at a time when Disney was doing some of his most influential work. The film that bought Flora that house, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, was the first American feature-length animated film ever. No mom there, unless you count the wicked stepmother.

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How shitty were things at home that living with her was the better option?

Two others that were in production at the time of her death, Pinocchio and Bambi, feature no mom and a murdered mom, respectively. So, I suppose it's just as possible that he secretly wanted his mom dead and that desire was coming through in his work at the time.

Whatever the case, this period kicked off an impressive run of animated feature films from Disney, culminating with the classic Cinderella, about a young girl whose mom is already dead before the cameras start rolling (so to speak).

Again, it's no guarantee that Walt Disney decided to make these films because of what happened with his mom, but the fact remains, the man set a lot of trends, and dead moms in animated films was definitely one of them.

But let's look at the reality of this movie. Yes, the seemingly dedicated mother, Kate McCallister, takes a plane back from Paris and makes her way across the country, never bathing, never eating, and hitching a ride with a polka band to get back to her son. That's great, but also, she forgot him. She forgot Kevin, guys! The garbage bird lady treats those Central Park rat pigeons better than Kate treats her own kid.

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Seriously, though. Gross.

These seemingly sweet but terrible mother characters turn up in Hughes' work all the time. The mom in Ferris Bueller's Day Off can't tell the difference between a lifeless mannequin and her own flesh-and-blood asshole son, who, frankly, if I had him as a best friend I'd probably be just as depressed as Cameron is.

Hell, Mr. Mom is just a movie about how a dude is a better mom than a mom. Hughes nails that male mom character, though, doesn't he?

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Let's ponder for a minute how great it would be to have Michael Keaton for a mom.

Or how about Claire's alcoholic mother in The Breakfast Club? Molly Ringwald characters just cannot catch a break on the mom front in John Hughes movies. Her mom forgets her damn birthday in Sixteen Candles. In Pretty in Pink, I don't think her mom even exists.

The list goes on. And, again, crazy moms show up in a lot of movies, but when those movies include damn near the entire repertoire of one of the most copied directors of the last few decades, it's going to rub off on people. John Hughes didn't invent crazy movie moms, but he did make them seem normal, and not in a good way.

An Affair to Remember, the inspiration for Sleepless in Seattle, has Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr entangled in a complicated love affair based on mutual attraction, admiration, and a willingness to overcome tragic human conditions, like not being able to paint.

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Movies needed all those details back then on account of the lack of explosions.

Sleepless in Seattle, on the other hand, has two vanilla lonely people who listen to late-night radio. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's a dumb film. I know, pretty controversial, right?

The movie relies on a thinly veiled attempt to just get us to like Sam because his wife is dead and to ignore that his shitty kid gets over his mom's death uncomfortably fast. We might not want to believe that Sam could possibly move past the death of his wife based solely on how hot Annie is, but we're tricked into it. And why is that? It's simple: We want Sam's stupid actions to be OK, because, for Christ's sake, he's so sad! Let the man be depressed and get some of that good early-'90s Meg Ryan tail, just like his wife would want.

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If she were still alive and into chicks.

What's not stressed in this film is that it's been only a year and a half since his wife and the mother of his kid died of horrible cancer. It's understandable that Sam isn't quite ready to move on, which makes it all the more strange that his kid is so pushy and willing to see his dad get down with a new woman.

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"My dad wants to know what you're wearing right now."

What is that kid's problem? He even goes so far as to fly to New York without his dad's permission just to make sure his plan to wreck a woman's engagement so that he'll have a new mom who's into baseball doesn't fall apart at the last moment.

Meanwhile, we never question a single bit of this, because why would you? His mom is dead, you monster.

Mean moms are a good way to create psychosis in neurotic kids in movies. Well, in real life, also, but it's especially prevalent in movies.

In Psycho, we get a two-for-one deal -- a mean dead mom.

Yeah, I know technically Norman Bates isn't a kid, but his psychotic behavior started in youth and was created by his domineering and abusive mother.

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She does look like kind of a bitch.

I won't even begin to say that this is a bad film. I don't want the wrath of the Internet upon me. I'm fragile and super busy. What I will say, though, is that the "mean mother made me do it" syndrome in male characters is a really effective plot motivator, and by that I mean goddamn people use it too much. Mommy didn't love them enough, and so now they will murder you, like Carl Stargher in The Cell ...

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"This body in my bathtub will make more sense if you meet my mom."

... and Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

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The pioneer of the tuck rule.

Even the robot in 9 feels abandoned by his mom and decides, "Fuck it, I'll just go crazy."

Or how about some of the famous slasher villains throughout history? Did Jason Voorhees have a crazy mom? Well, she's the killer in the first Friday the 13th movie, if that answers your question.

Michael Myers? His mom locked him up in a mental hospital and didn't visit again until 2007 when Rob Zombie finally talked her into it.

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"I'm only here because Hellbilly Deluxe is a really good album."

Even the origin of Freddy Krueger can be traced back to a bunch of shitty parents who didn't know better than to let their kids hang out in the neighborhood handyman's boiler room.

The kind of violence portrayed in these films is, admittedly, pretty difficult to explain without some sort of trauma during childhood. Still, wouldn't it be neat if just once it wasn't mom's fault?

Plenty of people have delved into the fucked-up plots of fairytales and, yes, many have said that these princesses run straight to male arms because they lack motherly support. That's not new. What we never talk about, though, is that, without this minor flaw of bad parenting, these girls would have zero personality. Their entire character depends on them lacking a mom, and so they have to bang a prince to have anything interesting about them. Do we know anything about Cinderella and her wants in life? Does she have a hobby? The only way to describe Cinderella is no mom, likes tough rich dudes.

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Kind of a flake.

I can't write about mean moms without devoting at least a paragraph to Mommie Dearest. This movie teaches us that Joan Crawford hates children but takes overwhelming joy in wearing shoulder pads. Now, it's based on real-life accounts, so it's difficult to fit it into the category of weird mom characters, because, well, she actually did this awful shit. That's not a character. What makes it awful is that, as she's portrayed in the film, Christina Crawford is just way less interesting than Joan. She's just a normal kid who wishes a different woman had adopted her. Maybe a good Midwestern gal who likes sewing and not hitting kids.

Full disclosure: I know it's abuse, but also it's kind of delicious to watch an insane Joan smack on cold cream and Hulk out because of a wire hanger.

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I like it!

There isn't a whole lot interesting about Carrie, either. There, I said it. Sure, Carrie as a film is a pretty solid revenge story. The problem is that there is zero about Carrie as a character that's even remotely interesting without her crazy mom moving things along in the background. Yes, she has telekinetic powers, but even those come from years of abuse at the hands of her Jesus-crazy mom. Everyday Carrie is boring as fuck. I'll be honest: I wouldn't have spoken to her, and if I did, it would be to ask her to borrow a pen in English class or to maybe move to the left a little so I don't have to look at her hair.

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Did her mom's version of the Bible forbid brushes?

There's no way I would remember her. I'd definitely perish in that fire, and the worst part would be that toward the end of my demise I'd still be thinking, "Was she in third period with me?"

Yes, I know the whole point is that an unsuspecting boring girl is bullied so hard she goes on a murderous rampage. It's not that I don't get that, but it doesn't make me any less correct. Carrie needs the crazy mom to pump up her personality. Start with Carrie is boring, insert evil mom, add bullies, and you end up with an awesome and horrific twist ending with tons of blood and bad tuxedoes.

The point is, Carrie has no character except that which comes from her mom calling her boobs "dirty pillows." Also, I like the term "dirty pillows."

For more from Genevieve, check out her podcast on Soundcloud and follow her on Twitter @gen_mueller.

For more weird Hollywood tropes, check out 5 Unwritten Rules Hollywood Needs to Stop Following and 4 Trends Hollywood Needs to Admit They Were Wrong About.

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