Now, I'm not saying that if you toss it and leave it, I wouldn't pull up quick to retrieve it...
Christmas movies are a time-honored tradition that teach you important lessons about the value of family, illustrate the necessity of charity, and warm your heart with the goodness of your fellow man. And Die Hard is the best one ever made. Hey, listen: It still counts as "heart-warming" if it rips your heart out of your chest and lights it on fire. The following are but a few of the many ways that Die Hard so perfectly represents the Christmas spirit, it makes It's a Wonderful Life look like a brutal Nativity-themed snuff film by comparison.
Behold, the rotten face of avarice!
Similarly, in Die Hard, all that our protagonist, John McClane, wants is a peaceful holiday with his estranged wife; he too is only thinking of himself. But, unlike the selfish Hans Gruber who only wants to take, McClane eventually learns that giving is its own reward... in that he bakes a lovely bullet casserole for every god damn foreigner he sees. He becomes so charitable that, by the end of the film, he even presumably gives it hard and fast to his ex-wife in the back of the limo, despite her most closely resembling an orangutan with a jerry curl.Now, I'm not saying that if you toss it and leave it, I wouldn't pull up quick to retrieve it...
Pictured: The heart-warming aftermath of attempted suicide
In Die Hard, John McClane faces his own trials by virtue of his fear of flying. A nearby passenger with a dim grasp on foot anatomy advises McClane to toss away his shoes in favor of 'making fists with his toes' as an antidote to the fear, and he reluctantly takes the man's advice. After callously abandoning all footwear, McClane suddenly learns that what he's taken for granted all his life is what he needs most...when he has to run barefoot across fucking glass!Does your Christmas miracle leave a trail of footblood? No? Your miracle sounds gay...
Both"Some people don't even have a warm home at night, Charlie Brown! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING FACE UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND!"
Die Hard is simply willing to go much further - willing to violently ream its characters in every orifice of their soul, if necessary - just to impart the true meaning of Christmas.I don't know why everybody gives him so much shit. His grouchiness was a medical condition!
In Die Hard, the giant blonde terrorist, Karl, learns that all the untraceable bearer bonds in the world are not nearly as important as his dear brother. Unfortunately, he learns this after John McClane casually murders his sibling in the face until dead. Karl is so overcome by vengeance and grief at this realization that he abandons all thoughts of self-preservation and dies futilely trying to kill Bruce Willis. He was so torn apart by the loss of his family that he wasn't thinking logically, and was killed much easier. So you see, John McClane also knows family is the most important thing; that's why he makes sure to take them out first."Now I have a Machine Gun. Ho Ho Ho"
Die Hard, likewise, is absolutely riddled with Christmas Miracles: Hans Gruber has absolute faith that the FBI will cut the electricity to Nakatomi Plaza and they do it right on schedule, Argyle has faith that he'll be the first jive-talkin' black sidekick in cinematic history not to die a horrible, disposable death, and he is (controversially) still alive as the credits roll, while John McClane regularly demonstrates remarkable faith that the laws of physics will temporarily suspend themselves every time he calls somebody a motherfucker, and he pulls off so many reality-bending shenanigans I'm almost certain he was using hacks. Unlike other, slightly less terrorist-based Christmas movies, however, inPictured: The most moving example of personal faith you will ever see.
So when it comes time to choose that Christmas classic for the family to gather 'round this year, take your lessons from John McClane and make it Die Hard. If you run into any resistance, simply strip down to a tank top, accuse everybody present of copulating with their mothers, and shoot somebody two dozen times in the groin. Bruce Willis has done it in literally every movie he's been in, and look at him! He grew up to be Bruce Willis!
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