3

Werner Freund Dominates A Wolf Army

Lisi Niesner/Reuters

You do not want to fuck with Werner Freund.

Sure, he's a former military man, and sure, he's got the kind of name that sounds like the alter-ego of a Captain America villain, but that's not why you don't want to mess with him. You don't want to mess with him because he's a goddamn beastmaster.

Yes, that is again apparently a viable career path, and hey, suuuper big thanks to my high school guidance counselor Mr. Mulhanney for telling me to go to college instead, like some kind of chump. Freund runs a massive wildlife sanctuary for wolves in the German province of Saarland, which even sounds like a place where beastmasters live.

But I would not be discussing Werner Freund if he was just some animal-loving hippie. Werner considers himself the packmaster and asserts his dominance over the wolves by feeding them raw meat from his own mouth. This teaches them that he is the alpha, and no doubt crushes them psychologically so they won't question his orders when he marches his lupine army on the world that scorned him. Or, in Werner's own words: "To earn their respect, one must become a wolf. And that is what I am to them -- their leader."

2

Valentin Grimaldo Is A Snake Doctor (But Not The Way You're Thinking)

JasonOndreicka/iStock/Getty Images

Quick: What do you do in case of a snake bite?

Did you answer "suck the venom out"? That's actually incorrect, and in some cases can even make the problem worse. Did you answer "immediately seek professional medical help"? That's more correct, but not entirely correct. No, the entirely correct answer is: Fuck that snake's shit up so hard that even people with scaly skin will flinch.

Valentin Grimaldo was bitten by a coral snake -- a highly venomous species -- and he didn't do some pansy shit like call an ambulance or die politely. He grabbed the snake, bit off its head, skinned it, and used the skin as a fucking tourniquet while he flagged down a car for a ride to the ER.

See, that's how you deal with an unprovoked attack by mother nature: You don't cry or whine or lament your fate. You decapitate your fate and then use its mutilated body as a medical device.

1

Adolphe Sax Was A Highlander

Ferdinand Mulnier

Depending on your perspective, Adolphe Sax was either the luckiest or the unluckiest kid on Earth. Not dependent on your perspective: Adolphe Sax was almost certainly a Highlander. Albeit a clumsy one.

When he was just a kid he fell off a three-story building and bashed his head on a rock. He made a full recovery. When he was 3 years old, he drank a bowl of poison and swallowed a needle. He made a full recovery. He also survived a serious gunpowder explosion and made, you guessed it, a full recovery. Later he would live through another poisoning, as well as suffocation by fumes in his own home. Then, just for kicks, he bashed his head in on another rock and nearly drowned in a river.

At what point do you stop Sax in the middle of his autobiography to politely accuse him of witchcraft? Sometime after the second "head bashed in on a rock" anecdote you've got to sit him down and have the heart-to-heart where you explain that you know what the Quickening is and he doesn't have to lie to you anymore.

Adolphe died so goddamn hard and so goddamn often that his neighbors took to calling him "the little ghost."

Oh yeah, and he invented the saxophone.

What?

Buy the first book in Robert's hilarious supernatural thriller trilogy, The Unnoticeables. You can also read more from Brockway at his own monument to narcissism, The Brock Way, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

The writers and Editors of Cracked will be performing LIVE at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre at 7:00 on Wednesday, January 6th, 2016. Tickets are HERE!

Check out some more people with abilities so shocking that your eyes will pop out of your head (perhaps literally) in 18 Mutant Superpowers You Won't Believe Real Humans Have, and learn how Michael Phelps is more seal than human in 5 Real Athletes With Strange-Ass Superpowers.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see some more crazy people with crazy abilities in 4 People Who Are The Superheroes Of Not Giving A F#@k - Spit Take Theater, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook, because we're one Like away from winning a free sandwich (and we've been known to share).