5 Pop Culture Sex Toys That Can't Be Arousing To Anyone

Or not. Perhaps fearing that someone would assume they're underachieving, or even worse, that they can't come up with a sexier name than the one the thing already has, no sex toy makers that I could find have taken the bait and created flashing, multi-functioning Doctor-themed vibrators. Instead, here's a goddamned TARDIS butt plug. That ... doesn't even make any sense. Why would you want to stick the hero's clunky vehicle in your butt? Ah, that was stupid of me to ask. We live in a world where Pteranodon porn is a thing, so I suppose I should be grateful that's not an actual replica. Then again, I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere, is shoving a TARDIS scale model up their butt right now, so uh, let's not pursue that train of thought any longer.

And of course that damn Etsy plug is not the only TARDIS-related Doctor Who sex toy out there. Consider the Tickler, which is a custom-designed TARDIS dildo, because really, did you expect anything else?

Toymaker Project
Somewhere in there, a tiny Peter Capaldi has been screaming "Nooooooooo!" continuously for a decade.

Yes, now you too can own and/or commission your very own TARDIS trapped in the mass of a rather suspect, semi-transparent orifice mauler, allowing you to finally grant the good Doctor a view he's guaranteed to not have seen before in his however-the-hell-old-he-is-after-last-season years of zipping across the universe. Are you happy now? Actually, don't answer that.

So, according to the laws of batshit madness, it was merely a matter of time before someone took the "Hey, spanking is popular now" ball and jammed it up the butt of another, equally unsexy franchise. The end result is lightsaber whips.

io9
Sex! What, no? Good call.

Note that I'm not saying they're bad products; just bad sex toys. Be honest: Would you use a lightsaber whip? Yes. I know I would. But for sex? Shit no. That thing is for drunkenly Indiana Jonesin' apples off the top of friends' heads while everyone makes lightsaber noises with their mouths -- at least, until one friend is accidentally smacked across the face and retaliates by dropkicking you out of the window. Maybe you'll find that sexy. I won't judge.

You know what they say: If you can be Batman, always be Batman. So you know what? Fuck it. Be Batman. Take the Caped Cock dildo as your batarang, imagine for a while that your rusting 1970s Yugo is the Batmobile, and head for Taiwan. Why Taiwan? Because of the hotel with a sex Batcave.

High Snobiety
The hotel rents the room by the hour, because of course it does.

By now, you know where this is going. You've seen your share of Halloweens, so you know how many slutty Batman and Joker and Harley Quinn and Catwoman costumes there are out there. Chances are you have at least one in your closet right now. So go and get changed. The time has come to bone Batman style, which, as we all know, is serious, latex-coated, and involves a lot of changing partners. Just remember to keep up the mood by grabbing a Batman voice modulator so you can whisper sweet nothings to your significant other with the unmistakable, throat-cancery gravel gurgle of movie Batmen.

iranbook.biz
Namely, this one. Keeps up the Adam West mood.

"Yellow" and "off," incidentally, are terms that fit very well in the masturbatory aid we are going to focus right now: The Simpsons live action porn.

Splitsider
"Fiddely diddely, jerkoffino!"

These days, every single movie has a porn version. When Guardians of the Galaxy hit the cinemas, literally everyone could predict that it would get a This-Ain't-Avatar-style porn version by the time the DVD came out, and even called the fact that Groot would just be a giant wooden dick. However, the worst we can expect from those is the dread of whether they've made Rocket Raccoon a straight-up furry. The Simpsons porn is a different beast altogether.

Hailing from the musky depths of simpler times (2011), the Simpsons Porn Parody somehow manages to be the exact opposite of the uncanny valley, yet retain the creepiness. It brings dead-eyed, soulless characters alive in a far too efficient manner, while doing its level best to keep the whole thing as cartoon-like as possible. For the dimebag production it no doubt was, its set, makeup, and costumes are uncannily Simpsonian, to the point where your brain keeps insisting that the action on the screen should give way to everyone just wandering away to protest the monorail or something.

It doesn't help that the whole movie is seen through the eyes of Homer Simpson, and the "plot" is tied together by an altogether way too accurate impression of his speech. Take a moment to think about Homer's catchphrases, particularly "D'oh!" and that drooly, guttural groan he lets out whenever he sees beer or peanuts or whatever. Are those noises you wish to hear while staring at bright, base color genitalia? Too bad, because you're going to.

Slim, sleek, and streamlined, these devices are mainly associated with their respective Avengers by their color patterns and particular functions -- apart from the Hulk, because let's be honest, there's really only one way to do a Hulk sex toy, and I think we all know what that is.

Hulk Collection
Damn straight.

Unfortunately for the no doubt vast hordes of potential buyers, those Avengers sex toys were merely a Tumblr art project by a guy called Sarmai. We should have known, really ... because the real Avengers fuck devices are much more ... to the point. An enterprising manufacturer has indeed taken upon itself to peddle vividly colored superhero dongs, more or less like the ones Sarmai presumably thought he was just making up, but way, way more crude and uncomfortable-looking. As NSFW as the subject matter of this column is, I'm not going to include too many pictures of them -- they're basically a bunch of way-too-veiny dicks with Play-Doh colors, named and packaged in a manner that is so blatantly designed to dodge copyright issues that Marvel might as well sue the company for insulting their intelligence.

And then there is The Hammer.

Amazon
You know, just like the one that Hawkwind guy has.

Yes friends, that is a corkscrew dildo Mjolnir, and yes, someone is actually making those with the intent of selling them. There's no way you can convince me that right now, a hilarious misunderstanding has left a dude banging doornails with one and wondering about the funky smell and vibrations, while another has shoved the shaft of an actual mallet up his butt and is learning the drawbacks of rectal splinters first hand. It just doesn't get any worse than that.

That is, unless you're Spider-Man, whose signature sex toy is apparently a knockoff Fleshlight that sticks to a wall.

Alibaba.com
Feel free to ponder the implications of naming a penetrable sex toy after a male superhero.

No matter how he'll be a movie Avenger one day, Peter Parker just can't catch a fucking break.

Pauli is on Facebook, Twitter, and your mom.

For more from Pauli, check out 4 Strange Problems Only Celebrities Seem To Have and 5 Real Vehicles That Only Fictional Superheroes Should Drive.

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