4

Blond, Feathered Hair and Red Lipstick is Sex

We all have a type when it comes to sexual attraction. Personally, I'm partial to brunettes with light eyes. Black Irish, but y'know, someone a little more dangerous and dark. Also willing to do stuff, y'know, with ... never mind. This is stupid. I like lots of things. I don't want to bore you with a checklist of attractions, but one thing that typically does not do it for me is the blond, All-American, cheerleader, Vanna White type. I guess what I'm saying is, if I had to choose a Facts of Life girl, I would have gone for Jo and not Blair.

You heard right. I would have picked the lesbian. (FYI, Tootie's future hotness was not foreseeable.)

But even though the blond hair, blue eyes look doesn't usually do it for me, there is a huge exception. If you feather that blond hair, '80s style, and add ridiculous red lipstick, then we're in business. And the reason for that exception? Amber Lynn. For you kids not cruising vintage porn on the Internet, Amber Lynn was an '80s porn star and the first one I really saw in my early teens. It doesn't matter if she's my type or not. It doesn't matter if feathered hair is absurd. It was a very potent image that burned its way into my neural pathways, and now feathered blond hair plus red lipstick equals sex. Dirty, wrong, first year of hormones coursing madly, sex.

There you are, old friend.

3

Banjos = Backwoods Sodomy

Although its roots go back to instruments formed both in Africa and Japan, the modern American banjo first became popular in the 1800s. It has a rich tradition, and players like Eddie Peabody and Cynthia Sayer have delighted audiences all over the world with finger-pluckin' magic. Yet, when I see a banjo, I think about one thing: backwoods, hillbilly rape. And of course you know why. Deliverance:

If you've not seen the film -- well, then I guess the banjo wasn't ruined for you. But this dueling banjo scene is very famous. Also famous? Ned Beatty getting raped by hillbillies and being told to squeal like a pig while being violated. Now, do the two things happen at the same time? No. But y'know what? The scenes are so upsetting and visceral that you could separate them by eight hours of puppies dancing in a cotton candy factory and the two horrific images would still be linked in my mind forever.

2

Greatness Comes in Gangs

Anyone reading my column knows that I'm a huge David Bowie fan, but while I'm a huge fan, I never wanted to be David Bowie.

OK, maybe I misspoke.

I guess what I'm saying is, Bowie's greatness was a bit of a fluke for me because normally I'm not drawn to solo stars. I always thought greatness came in gangs. I didn't want to be one man alone on stage. I wanted to be part of something bigger. Part of something huge. What defined greatness like that for me?

1

Adult-Sized Animal Costumes are Terrifying

For my money, the scariest scene in The Shining is not Jack Nicholson crashing through a bathroom door with an ax, or elevators spilling blood, or even those freaky dead twin girls. No. Without question the scariest scene in the movie is this:

Yeah, what is that? As a child I did not know. As a child, it made no sense. Shelley Duval reacted like she'd seen a nine-headed dragon. I didn't realize the fear came from not being alone in a place she thought she was alone in. And I certainly did not realize that the giant dog costume guy was blowing the guy in the tuxedo. Apparently in the book, that's a more substantial BDSM gimp-type character who performs tricks for decadent, hedonistic sex parties back in the day.

But none of that came into play. I saw the strange image, I saw Duvall's reaction, and I heard the music. And that all mixed with something unknown and sexual that I in no way could comprehend, and that resulted in horror. It's probably why we like making fun of furries now. They're terrifying. In fact, the adult-sized animal costume has become so terrifying for me that not even The Beatles could set it right:

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