4

How I Met Your Mother

20th Century Fox Television

How I Met Your Mother ended in 2014, and some people (Democrats) would say, "It's not been long enough. We should wait a little while before bringing this one back." Don't people like money and fun? I don't know what is wrong with the people who said that. Are they saying that? Who said what? Did I get high and buy a yacht last night?

Look, a lot of people were pissed about how it ended, and I get that. You wait the whole time for Ted Mosby to end up with Robin, and this other girl shows up to ruin the story? It would make my blood boil too, if I watched the show. So in our spinoff, MosbyTown (named after a hilarious line in the first episode of MosbyTown, titled "MosbyTown"), we're going to give the audience what they want, which is more of the romance between Ted and Robin. A quick scan of the How I Met Your Mother Wikipedia page tells me that the last episode ended with Ted and Robin looking at each other. That's a great way to open MosbyTown, and from there, we'll see how their relationship blossoms.

20th Century Fox Television

We probably won't mention Ted's dead wife at all. And I've already decided to dump the storyline about Barney Stinson having a kid, because I don't like kids. Mine don't call me, and they suck. We'll play this off with one of those fun Barney jokes. Ted will be like, "Didn't you have a kid?" and Barney will be like, "I did, but I Legen -- wait for it -- ferried it across the sea to an island for unwanted children. Legen-ferried!" Laugh track. Boom. Story resolved.

3

Band Of Brothers

HBO Home Entertainment

2

Gilmore Girls

Warner Bros. Television

So I was checking my girlfriend's Facebook, because she'd been acting shifty and I figured that she was trying to reconnect with her husband again, and I saw that she'd posted something about "celebrities that you didn't know were in famous TV shows." I told that list the same thing I told my wife when she asked me about my girlfriend: "That's awfully presumptuous." I work in TV. I'm an encyclopedia of trivia. There's nothing that I don't know. And just in case you were wondering, she was trying to reconnect with him. Good luck with that. Let's see how much she wants to make the marriage work when I fire his ass.

On that list was Jon Hamm, who has a great chin. God, what a beautiful chin. If I had known that man and that chin in the early '90s, I would've invited him over to one of Scorsese's parties and cooked an English breakfast on that chin. But he showed up briefly in an episode of Gilmore Girls, and I know what you're thinking: "Gilmore Girls is already coming back. Didn't you read the introduction to your own article?" Yeah, I know. But Gilmore Bros isn't. And if I was concerned with proofreading every little thing, would I be sipping Japanese whiskey with Dick Cheney right now? Don't sweat the small stuff, kids. Always go for the big picture.

Warner Bros. Television

Look, ABC Family owes me a favor, and with Jon Hamm fresh off the success of that show that came on whenever Breaking Bad wasn't on, he'd be perfect to star in Gilmore Bros, which has that Gilmore Girls wit and small-town charm, but based around a couple of dudes. And we'd all know these kinds of dudes. Typical dudes just trying to make their way in the world. Not enough shows about the average guy out there right now. And Gilmore Bros would finally allow America to see what it's like to be a dude with a hot chin. Just to touch it, man. Can you imagine?

Warner Bros. Television

1

Growing Pains

Warner Bros. Television

I was tripping hard in South LA the other day, and a guy on a skateboard held my hand, calmed me down, and told me that he wanted Growing Pains to come back. So I rushed Grown Pains into production immediately. I tried to find the man who inspired me, but all he left with me was the smell of food truck Thai food and hope.

A lot of people thought that a Growing Pains reunion was impossible, because of Kirk Cameron's new religious crusade and fundamentalist beliefs. It might "conflict" with some of the returning stars. But any man whose father handed him a stick and told him to go make himself "Boy King of the Neighborhood" knows that the only way to achieve success is through conflict. I got the whole original cast to show up for this (minus DiCaprio, who's a simp), and the scripts basically wrote themselves. Check out a few episodes from the first season which we already have filmed and ready for broadcast:

Episode 1, "The Seavers Strike Back": The Seaver family all moves back home after a few disastrous but hilarious circumstances. Alan Thicke screams at Kirk Cameron to grow up.

Warner Bros. Television

Episode 4, "Lost & Found": Carol Seaver gets a job at the mall, and her parents try to cheer her up. Cameron whispers "Repent ..." at Thicke just before the final scene fades to black.

Episode 11, "Rotten Apple": A kid that grew up next to the Seavers is a little too excited to see that they're back in Long Island. Cameron and Thicke wrestle over a copy of the Bible that Cameron wrote himself.

Episode 16, "Follow The Leader": A health scare puts Jason Seaver in the ER. Thicke attacks Cameron with a prop needle due to something Cameron said backstage.

Episode 20, "Surf's Up": The family takes a much-needed vacation to the beach, only to discover that the secluded place has been turned into a tourist trap. Cameron baptizes Thicke in the saltwater of the Atlantic. Thicke is unresponsive for seven minutes until paramedics revive him.

Warner Bros. Television

Episode 22, "Alan Thicke Arrives At The Set Covered In Blood": We haven't thought of a good title for this one, and we also haven't been able to get Thicke to stop shaking.

Long story short: Even if Netflix doesn't pick this up, the Grown Pains Season One DVD is gonna have some kickass special features. Ciao, losers.

Daniel has a blog.

For examples of terrible reboots that Lee Beverley's scripts would spin kick into the sun check out 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous By Gritty Reboots and 10 Gritty Reboots We Can't Stop Hollywood From Making.

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