5

Realistically, no, you can't do "anything" you set your mind to. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a shot or 20.

One of the most annoying bullshit messages you'll ever hear in life is "You can do anything you put your mind to!" It's in every Christmas special, family sitcom, motivational speech, sermon, inspirational song, feel-good movie of the summer .... We are so saturated with that lesson that if you squeeze our stomachs, rainbows will shoot out of our assholes. It is probably the single most popular half-truth in existence. I call it a half-truth because on a certain level, it is absolute gospel (and at the very least, common sense). If you work your ass off, master your craft, talk to the right people, and be as persistent as a hemorrhoid throb, you'll make it happen.

4

You're not dumb -- you're learning. The same as every other human on this goddamn planet. Know that, and you'll be fine.

I'm as guilty as every other adult of calling teenagers dumb. Mostly I do it because I just love giving people shit for no reason, but other times I look at them and genuinely think "How could you possibly not understand a concept this fucking simple? I can't believe you dumbasses are going to be running this count- holy Jesus crotch, I just became own grandfather." But if I were to pull my head out of my ass for ten seconds and sincerely try to remember what it was like when I was a kid, I'd realize that the reason many teens don't understand a concept that seems like second nature to adults is because they haven't fucking learned it yet, you ignorant twat.

3

Don't trust anyone who tells you that a certain time period is the best years of your life. It means they aren't doing it right.

In another article, I told you that high school is not the best years of your life. I brought it up because even though adults have the best of intentions when they spew this bullshit, they're putting out not only a false message, but a harmful one to boot. There's nothing like talking to a person who's prone to depression, in the throes of rebellion, addled by hormones, and under more stress than they'd ever experienced before, and telling them that this is the best life will ever be. Good job, adults.

2

Advice tends to be something you don't truly appreciate until you wish you had taken it. It's not just you; we all do it.

In yet another article, I talked about bad sources of advice, and the overall message there could be boiled down to a single Tweet from comedian Kyle Cease: "Only take advice from people who are where you want to be. Because most people are dangerously stupid."

We aren't just talking about people who are where you want to be in terms of a career, but in any facet of life -- emotional, spiritual, financial, mental, social, criminal. If I ever become homeless and nobody will help me out, I'm taking advice on how to keep warm from another homeless guy who survived last night's snowstorm. But I'm probably not trusting his financial opinions or warnings about the eminent invasion of the Eel Summoner.

It's important to know that, because you're going to get advice from everyone, and all the goddamn time. It's good to know how to rank and prioritize that information. But regardless of where we get it, there's every chance in the world that you're going to blow it off because you have this all under control. It's human nature. "My life isn't a catastrophe, so I must be doing something right. Right? Guys?"

It's only later when the doctor is showing you an x-ray of a spot on your lung that you give the ball-crushing attention to his warnings that you are going to fucking die if you don't fucking quit fucking smoking, fucko.

We all do it. People will do it to you when you get to a position in life where your advice isn't laughable pig farts and actually starts carrying some weight. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know. Probably a little of both, I guess, depending on the situation. But the point isn't so much about being right or wrong as it is the overall lesson of "Be aware. This stuff happens, so take notice."

1

Self-control is the hardest skill you'll ever have to master.

From birth until the day you move out on your own, pretty much every facet of your life is controlled by someone else. Parents, teachers, babysitters, the secretive nameless guardian who taught you to kill from the quiet embrace of the shadows. There's always someone looking over your shoulder to prevent you from fucking up. "Don't run in the house, you'll get hurt." "Don't stab that guy, you'll go to jail again."

So from the time we're old enough to rationalize, we're trained that nothing is truly under our own control, and if we do happen to fuck up, the most we have to fear is getting grounded, spanked, or yelled at. When you enter adulthood, that all changes literally overnight. Except for the spanking thing.

For the first time, you'll be put into situations in which the only person you have to answer to is yourself. How will you react? Take away the teacher, and do you start slacking off? Take away mom and dad's rules on junk food, and do you start eating at McDonald's every day? Take away the police patrols, and do you strip naked and set houses on fire, cackling like a crazed hyena?

This is what we're dealing with when we talk about things like addiction, teen pregnancy, and obesity (the type that's not tied to a physical cause, of course). It's an area in which the only person who is going to give you hell is your future self. Are you prepared for that? I wasn't. Hell, I'm not sure I know anyone who was. Because keeping yourself in check when the temptation is there to just take the easy way out is excruciating. "Man, I don't feel like cooking tonight. Maybe I'll just order a pizza again." Yes, others may voice their concerns about your choices ("Dude, you're pushing 300 pounds, and you've eaten pizza every day for two months"), but nobody is going to step in and force you to get your shit under control, unless it's flat-out breaking the law. That's your thing now, and failing to master that self-control could fuck your life right on up.

It's probably best to just accept this one right now. I didn't until I was in my mid-30s, and it damn near killed me. You're better than that. But if all else fails, at least remember this article in 15 years. I'll either be one of those guys I mentioned earlier who's completely full of shit, or it'll feel strangely prophetic.

John has a Twitter, where he regularly gets mistaken for John Cleese.

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