So earlier, I talked about the Pootrap being a great way to get around training your dog to poop outside, or anywhere other than a bag. But what if you actually took the time to train them, but then got bored with the whole pet thing? Let's face it: Constantly paying attention to your dog and listening for it when it does stuff like scratch at the door, bark at the door, and do whatever the doggie version of the pee-pee dance is at the door, gets exhausting after a while. And if you're distracted that often, the chances of you missing an important plot twist on The Price is Right skyrockets.
"Off-center, you asshole! Start off-center!"
If this is the predicament you're in, perhaps the Smart Chime is for you. It's a button that your dog steps on when it wants to go outside. The button is shaped like a paw, even though your dog almost certainly doesn't actually know what a paw is, and it emits a "cute" sound that gently alerts you when your dog needs to go outside. I put "cute" in quotations, by the way, because any sound, when attached to something you don't like, will quickly become aggravating and horrible. You could set your phone's alarm to the sound of a beautiful woman's orgasm, and after a few days of that waking you up at 5 a.m., you'll never want to hear a girl moan in pleasure ever again (and also it's statistically very unlikely that you will, Guy Who Uses an Orgasm Sound as an Alarm).
The Pintofeed: Smartphone-operated Food Dispenser
One of the main purposes of technology is to allow us to do much less in a much cooler fashion. And now, this includes feeding your pet. Because how annoying does that get? Having to do it every day, sometimes up to twice a day, and if you miss a day or nine and they get sick and weak and you're suddenly a horrible person and the feds are knocking on your door -- what's an apathetic pet owner to do?
Well, they could buy themselves a Pintofeed, for one. Advertised as the first intelligent pet feeder, the Pintofeed is operated via your smartphone. Press a button on your phone, and the Pintofeed dispenses food into the bowl for your pet to chomp on. The company's stated explanation is that it's really hard to pinpoint how much a pet needs to eat, unless you listen to your vet and then buy a $10 food scale to ensure you don't give your pet too much at any one time. But since you clearly weren't going to do that, thank your lucky stars Pintofeed is willing to take your money.
"You want me to bend you over and fuck you, too? Well, if you're gonna twist my arm ..."
But still, the act of continually pressing a button could become way too much for the truly lazy owner. If you do that, you might as well just go that one teensy extra step and feed the thing yourself, right? Luckily, Pintofeed can run purely on schedule as well, where pets are automatically fed at set times. So take a couple minutes one time to set up feeding times, and you'll never have a reason to look at your pet again.
The best part is how beyond blatant the company is when appealing to lazy shit pet owners, hereafter referred to as being "busy." Take their Indiegogo video, for example:
Yes, if you can't fit feeding your pet into your busy world of jogging, the beach, and hot dates, or if you're on vacation and have no friends willing to stop by and put chow in a bowl every so often, then the Pintofeed is for you! Also, if you can't fit feeding your pet into your busy schedule, you shouldn't have a fucking pet.
Jason Iannone loves the animals, and would only use a smartphone to record them doing stupid things. Stalk him and his adorably brainless kitty on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.