Some full disclosure here: There was a time and place where I would have thought the banners on display in the images here were actually pretty hilarious. And no, it wasn't when I was 12 and hallucinating in the backseat of my parents' station wagon while they drove me home from dental surgery. I was a college dumbass once myself, and "hijinks" like that, while it would have certainly ruffled the elbow patches of the tenured professors, wouldn't have disturbed me in the slightest.
We didn't have "LOL" back then, but I probably would have done a "hang loose" sign with both hands while flipping an Ollie.
But today I have a daughter of my own, and I fully expect that she might one day choose to throw her daddy's money down the toilet to attend an institute of higher learning. And, well, let's just say that seeing this sort of thing now makes me strongly contemplate dealing with the young men who hung them with various acts of atrocity so barbarous that any ISIS members in attendance would immediately throw down their AK-47s and sign up with the Hare Krishnas.
How about Plan V, for vivisection?
Then I recognize this is just assholes being assholes, and while it's certainly predatory, obnoxious, and foul, it isn't the end of the world. But while Virginia's Old Dominion University may have gotten the most press because a few Sigma Nu fuckwads engaged in this kind of behavior, the depressingly stupid fact is that it seems to be a nationwide trend. The image with the guy in a Speedo and the "Daughter Day Care" sign? That was from Ohio State. As was the birth control awareness campaign immediately above. Then there are the fraternities from Wisconsin to the Dakotas where witty, often-misspelled signs like "21 to Drink, 18-ish to Spend the Night" signs are posted in full view of anyone foolish enough to live in the same neighborhood as these menaces to property value. And, of course, my favorite:
It's my favorite because I like to imagine they unveiled it right as a large contingent
of Hells Angels just happened to be riding by.
Another thing I realize is that this type of thing has been going on forever. There are ancient penis carvings and "Lucilla is a whore" graffiti in the ruins of Pompeii, and immature, testosterone-addled dudebros have been trying to convince those around them of their totally-not-gayness since time immemorial. But while the government authorities aren't likely to do much about it when you unfurl a "Honk if You're Dropping Off Your Underage Daughter Because I Would Very Much Like to Statutory Rape Her" bedsheet from the window of your filthy/communal/private abode, the universities have a little more leeway in the matter and can do things like suspend your ass indefinitely. So it's not like they're getting off scot-free. Plus, if their goal was negative attention, they certainly got more than they bargained for. And I suppose I'll just have to content myself with that until my proposed law -- the one that gives me the personal legal authority to conduct an "open dialog" with these gentlemen in a dank basement in the undisclosed location of my choosing -- is finally ratified.
"Writing dick jokes for the last few years has given me a very particular set of skills ..."
E. Reid Ross also lets spiders touch his bikini area over at Man Cave Daily. Feel free to follow him on Twitter here.
For more idiots who use their freedom of speech as license to be fecal-humans, check out the moron who hung nooses around his yard in 5 Cases Of Free Speech That Will Make You Hate Freedom. "But Cracked, these people have free speech! Let them say what they want!" some angry guy in the comments is surely hate-typing into his keyboard. Well, we suggest you read 5 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Free Speech and learn that just because you can say something doesn't mean we can't say it's stupid.
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