4

"Different Opinion" Does Not Mean "Wrong"

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I know you read the title of this entry and are now punching the air and screaming, "Dude, I know that! Everyone knows that! No one is in possession of all the facts, so they form their opinions on partial information, which in turn means occasionally people other than me are right. Wait, how are you predicting every word I'm thinking right now? Holy shit, are you psychic?! Stop doing that! I'M FREAKING OUT!"

But is it really that obvious? Let's try a little experiment in which you pull up your thoughts on politics. Or religion. Or veganism. Or any of the hundred billion other things people vehemently and violently disagree on. Then imagine the guy next to you has the exact opposite opinions.

Which one of you is right?

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Well, duh.

3

Realize That Not Everyone Likes You

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I remember when I first started realizing that I don't like everyone and everyone most definitely doesn't like me. I was maybe 10 or so, just getting past the worst of my "smartass kid" phase and well on the way to my "that weird kid" days. I was at a Boy Scout squad meeting and cracked an innocent joke (by my terms) to another, bigger kid that I didn't know too well. Approximately four seconds later, he was wearing my ass as a shoe.

I never went to another one of those meetings. I don't know what happened to the other kid. I assume he got expelled, but in hindsight I kind of hope that wasn't the case -- because either I was a really, really annoying little dick, or he had waaaay bigger problems than my wisecracking and could have used the relatively positive environment of that squad. Still, back then, all I knew was that, for the first time in my life, someone had openly expressed their dislike of me. By translating the Bible in Morse code into my face.

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A close approximation of my face upon realizing this (I had a better beard, though).

Chances are, you can't just shrug an experience like that off -- shit, mine was a quarter of a century ago and I still remember -- but you can try to learn from it. The lesson I learned that day was that, generally, it's a good idea to avoid yapping random bullshit to people I don't know, which has played a not insignificant part in teaching me to be a comparatively polite person when I remember. I certainly could have lived without said lesson, and I sure as balls don't remember it fondly, but there's no telling what kind of douchenozzle I might have butterfly-effected into if that beating hadn't taken place.

2

Prepare for a Social Crash-and-Burn

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Have you ever been in "The Zone"? It's that thing writers and artists and athletes dream of, the rare and elusive state of mind where everything is easy as balls, and the thing you're attempting to do is achieved at a maximum level with seemingly minimum effort. The bad news: It's pretty much impossible to sustain. The good news: Regardless of your natural talent with people, you can also achieve that flow in social interaction without even having to dunk over them.

Maybe you've experienced it: that glorious moment when you know exactly what to say, every joke is hitting, your confidence level is sky high, and you are totally immune to any and all shit someone might attempt to pour on you. It's awesome. Insults roll off of you like water off a duck's back. Hold on, why a duck's back? Have ... have I become a duck? Better check right now. Thank fuck, I have not. Aaaaaand there goes The Zone. Everyone is staring at me because a minute ago I was the life of the party and now I just started frantically checking to see if I had grown feathers. The only thing you can do is blame drugs and then walk away in shame.

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Also, dude, you might want to double-check the whole duck thing.

1

Figure Out the Point of Controlled Unpleasantness

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There is a mode of social interaction that is rarely discussed but commonly observed in everyday life both on- and offline. I call it the "point of controlled unpleasantness," and it manifests as such:

Let's say I pop out to buy some milk, which for the purposes of this analogy we'll pretend is totally not whiskey at all. At the cashier line, a haughty, middle-aged suit starts inexplicably eyeballing me and harrumphing at my decision to buy a crate of milk at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday, while still strongly emitting the whiff of the previous night's milk. Riddled with a calcium headache and feeling impatient, my first instinct is to arrange an impromptu softball match with my fellow customers, using the complainer as a bat and his briefcase as a ball. However, I choose the high road and refrain from throwing abuse at his face, and his face at his briefcase. I walk away with my milk and gleefully drink myself to oblivion, forgetting that fuckface far sooner than if I'd gone with my first instinct and had to deal with the whole high-speed chase with the cops that would inevitably have ensued. All is well.

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So well.

Have you ever done the above thing, where you shockingly don't go ballistic on a fucker that you thought clearly deserved it? Do you think you can regularly do that? Congratulations! You have mastered controlled unpleasantness. I'm not being sarcastic; it really is pretty awesome, but surprisingly difficult to pull off. Because despite the fact that my name for it includes the word "unpleasant," it is by no means a negative thing. On the contrary, it's just a more honest name for the eye-roll-inducing word "civility." The point of controlled unpleasantness is realizing that you can never be civil to everyone 100 percent of the time, so you figure out the way to be the least uncivil instead. You can still snark, passive-aggressive, and cold-shoulder at your fellow men just as you want, but chances are you'll soon figure out that it's far, far better for your own well-being to learn the proper time and place.

Now, we just need to learn to do that online.

Pauli is a Cracked freelance editor and weekly columnist. Join his gang on Facebook and Twitter.

For more from Pauli, check out 5 Animals That Survived Shit That Would Kill a Terminator and 5 Disastrous Ways People Tried to Make Porn a Reality.

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