4

How Long Something Will Last

Consumer electronics and prescription medication have exactly two things in common: I use them recreationally even when I'm not supposed to, and they will lie to you about how long they last. Whether it's a bottle of Tylenol promising "relief for four to six hours" or a laptop battery that's supposed to last "for your entire road trip," these are promises that were never even intended to be kept. Listen, label-writers: You can't lie to me with numbers. The whole reason we invented them was to get around the tricky subversiveness of words. They have an inherent power and must be respected.

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Also, I'm pretty sure there are more of them than there are of us.

Now, I know the excuses that some of you are offering. "Those numbers are estimations," you squawk, "there are a lot of variables here, and it's hard to measure this stuff accurately." Really? Is it harder than making a tiny white pill that cures my head pain? Is it harder than building a talking pocket computer that is also a phone, a camera, a GPS, and a sex toy? You're telling me that scientists built a machine that can take a high-definition photograph of my penis and then use satellites to beam that picture anywhere in the world, from the snowy mountains of Japan to the bustling metropolises of Africa, but they can't accurately tell me how many times I can do that before I need to plug that phone in? Bullshit, scientists. Bullshit.

3

Whether Something Is "Special Edition," "Collector's Edition," Or No Notable Edition At All

Remember when DVDs first came out and some of them weren't special editions? The first DVD I ever bought was Shrek -- not Shrek: Ogreific Edition or Shrek: R-Rated Director's Cut; it was just Shrek. With a picture of CGI Scottish Mike Myers on the cover. Back then, the idea of a special edition meant specialness. It meant extra features. Now, it means nothing. It's gotten so bad that there are some special edition DVDs out there that list "interactive menus" as one of the special features. I've seen it. With my own eyes.

Then there's collector's editions, which I can't even begin to decipher. What's the difference between someone who wants to own movies to watch them, and a "collector"? Am I too much of a peasant to own a collector's edition because I remove my movies from their plastic wrap? Are there people out there who see the words "collector's edition" on a DVD and say to themselves, "Finally, the film Gods have deemed it necessary to make a special version specifically for me, The Collector."

My bidding be done.

It gets to the point where there are so many versions that you don't even know what you're buying. Say that you, like any red-blooded American, want to buy a Terminator DVD. Good fucking luck.

There's twice that many. I ran out of space.

2

Cover Art Is Always Horse Shit

Behold, the poster for the original Star Wars.

Behold it.

Look at Luke's chest. These are the pecs of a man who can rip a can of peaches open barehanded.

Also, Leia is clearly Asian.

I'm not going to show you a picture of Mark Hamill's actual pecs, but rest assured they are not quite so boner-inducing. Also, check this out:

1

Anything (As Long As They Say It Cleverly Enough)

"Caveat emptor" is Latin for "buyer beware" and frequently appears in actual law to describe what lies the purveyors are legally allowed to tell the consumer. Basically, any time you're reading the back of a can of soup or talking face-to-face with a salesman, there are a certain amount of things they're saying that you're supposed to know aren't true. And they know you know they aren't true. But they still have to say it, and you still have to pretend to believe them.

Image Source White/Image Source/Getty Images
Nothing says "honesty" like white dudes in business suits.

I've mentioned before how when Apple advertised one of their new iPhones, they said it was "twice as fast for half the price." Which was a lie. But when they were called out about that, they just explained that this "wasn't meant to be taken as a statement of fact." I mocked that as bullshit, but really that was a genuine legal defense for what they were doing: They thought that the consumer was in on their ridiculous bullshit.

"Oh, but that's the game! That's how negotiations work; only a total sucker would fall for this stuff!" Well, aren't you lucky that you aren't a sucker and somebody taught you the rules. Let me know how "totally fine" this system is next time you take a vacation day to go to a used-car dealership and spend the entire time trying to get a straight answer from the guy before giving up and paying just to end the interaction, because you're tired and angry and monthly payments are something future you will have to deal with. Don't pretend you've never been there.

Why This Will Never Change

Because this is really only a problem for people like me, who find meeting and talking to new people exhausting. We're automatically at a disadvantage in any negotiation. And there's nothing we can do about it, because we don't know how to bring up our feelings without making it weird.

JF Sargent is a senior editor for Cracked but never knows how to bring that up without making it weird. Follow him on Twitbook and Faceblur.

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