5 Movies Aliens Should Watch Before Trying To Invade Earth

Independence Day, I hope what you really take away from it is this: Randy Quaid can kill you. That's not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn't our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think. Of Mice and Men was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can't get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993. The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository. I realize a lot of my intergalactic communication theories revolve around the idea that all aliens are like the ones in Galaxy Quest that can't tell the difference between fantasy and documentary. But let's not be stupid-- aliens have no idea what's going on. They come to a planet with Google, and their idea of research is jamming tubes up a hillbilly. They're either morons or completely made up. But like I said before, let's not be stupid.

War of the Worlds, we lose for 89 minutes and then all the aliens die because of Earth germs. Aliens are dumbasses. Even after we saw E.T. heal us, we knew to put on biohazard suits before we tried to kill him. And these War of the Worlds aliens fly down here in their giant tripods and vaporize entire urban centers with their windows down. Hey, squid people of Mars or wherever, what did you think would happen when you inhaled the dust of 2,000,000 corpses and 60,000 dumpsters? That's on you. It's not like we were throwing smallpox Snuggies into your teepees. Humans are disgusting. We'll have sex with anything. Every day, an Earth doctor pulls an octopus or a light bulb out of someone that was put it there on purpose. Captain Kirk boned things that didn't even have holes until he met them. And this article itself is probably next to an ad featuring a flashlight that you can fuck. Seriously, come visit, aliens. See what happens.