And if the medical examiner went to the local police because a boy in town was found suspiciously "just dead," what would the police find? Because either the father starts to carefully explain what a Hagrid is, or he and Hogwarts stonewall the hell out of any attempt to find out what/who killed the Diggory boy. How does Hogwarts deal with this? Just mind-wipe everybody who asks questions? Every Muggle who ever knew that Cedric existed? Also, how many times do they have to do this, considering that it's a school where 11-year-olds go to learn how to cast killer spells?

"So can you tell me what went down, Mr. Dumbledore?"

"Oh yeah, he was just found dead in the middle of a school function."

"What was the school function?"

"A big maze thing."

"Was he running through the maze when he was found dead?"

"Well, technically, he was outside the maze."

"So the maze didn't kill him?"

Warner Bros. Pictures

"Ummm, ummm ... AVADA KEDAVRA!"

You see, The Family Man is not about Cage's character learning that you're better off staying with someone who loves you instead of following wealth. It's about the nightmare you experience when you have to put up with Nic Cage. As soon as he is transported to his alternate life, Leoni's character doesn't get a moment of respite. The movie constantly tricks you into thinking that this lull in Cage screaming about how awful his life is might be permanent, only to switch back to Cage yelling at his wife in public. The Family Man is The Walking Dead of romantic dramas. Five minutes go by without any random violence, and you're like, "Oh, that's nice. Optimism in a seemingly hopeless world. That's- Oh, Carl lost his fuckin' eye. Fooled again."

Universal Pictures
JUST LET HER EAT THE CAKE. GIVE HER THAT. JUST GIVE HER THAT.

What makes it worse is that Leoni is endlessly patient with a husband who is going through existential meltdown after existential meltdown. She's okay with it when he leaves on Christmas, forgets their anniversary, and forgets how to take care of the children. And she's even cool with it when he attempts to suddenly move them all back into the heart of NYC, ripping them away from their lives so that he can fulfill the part of his life that he's spent the last 70 minutes ranting about. And she doesn't even know that Cage was planning on cheating on her with her cleavagey friend. The Family Man attempts to tell a story about discovering what's truly best in life, when all it does is show the terror one faces when your husband loses his goddamn mind.

And when he's finally transported back to his real life, he immediately goes to find Leoni, who is moving to Paris. When being cryptic with her in her apartment doesn't work, he screams at her in the airport about the visions that he had of their lives in the alternate world. It's sweet if you're unaware that sometimes people stab other people.

Universal Pictures
The people in the audience who couldn't grasp the concept of "murder" were in tears.

She agrees to get coffee with him, and the movie ends. But the nightmare doesn't. Because not only is Leoni going to have to hear boatloads about this perfect side universe that Cage has experienced, but she's also going to be forced to live up to her self in that universe. Cage has an idea of what it would've been like if they'd stayed together, but there's no way he can know about what their lives will be like after years apart. Alternate Leoni had to worry about a Cage who might murder her and her children in the middle of the mall. Real Leoni has to worry about a Cage who is going to see that tattoo that she got after he originally left and say, "Hmm. Dream Tea didn't have that tattoo. Dream Tea was hoooottt."

Detective Sussudio is going to come back, find that Williams and the kids have come back, but now the old man is nowhere to be found. He's an old guy, it's not like he could go anywhere substantial on his own. You can't tell the law, "Yeah, he just went to the grocers. He'll be back in a few ... days."

Williams' kids are going straight from being held hostage in Neverland to being held by the British police. And Williams, just having rediscovered his happy thought, is going to be the number-one suspect in the slaying of Tootles. How do you explain the concept of going to Neverland to a detective in a way that doesn't imply "He is in two separate suitcases under the porch"? I hope you enjoyed finding your childhood innocence, Peter Pan, because Hook 2 could only be a nice look into what happens when you're deemed complicit in the disappearance of an elderly person and your only defense is "Bangarang!"

Tristar Pictures
"For the sake of this court, please refrain from answering a question with 'Rufio ... Rufio' again."

Ass blood.

New Line Cinema
Oh, the Mask. You're so wacky.

At the beginning of the film, Carrey goes to pick up his car. The two mechanics obviously overcharge him for repairs that he doesn't need. Carrey just wanted an oil change, and these guys are putting in a new brake drum and transmission. Carrey is shocked by this -- so shocked that he remembers to come back and anally violate the men when he gains his Mask powers.

First of all, since this is the Mask's first night, these men had never heard of him before. So they have no frame of context when a green-faced man comes in, yells some wordplay, and goes to work on their butthole enhancements while comical "boops" and "boinks" occur. From their perspective, a complete stranger just busted into their shop and raped them with mufflers for no reason whatsoever.

Second, has Carrey never gone to an auto shop before? The majority that I've been to are run by nice people, but every once in a while, one tries to tell you "We were filling your engine coolant, and we decided to just go ahead and replace the entire front half of your vehicle. That'll be a billion in silver coins, please." I find it hard to believe that Carrey has lived to be about 30 in [Insert Fictional Stand-In For New York City Here] and has never once been screwed over by someone.

New Line Cinema
"They wanted me to pay $5 for a sandwich when I could buy one down the street for $4. So I slaughtered them all."

Third, I don't know if the qualitative shittiness of overcharging for an auto repair earns having a tailpipe shoved up your rectum. I don't want to spend too much time on the rights and wrongs of karmic retribution in The Mask, but maybe a solid pun-filled talking-to would've sufficed. These guys, no matter where they go for the rest of their lives, will never forget the time a lime-headed man shouted catchphrases at them as he shoved auto parts up their poop tunnels. That is true, everlasting misery.

It doesn't help matters that Costner convinces James Earl Jones to leave his home and come to Iowa with him. Jones does call his family when he finds out that his disappearance has made newspaper headlines, but that doesn't help much when he disappears into the magic zombie farm a few days later. He, a living dude, just vanishes into the corn. And Costner's family just watches, completely bored by the fact that the corn holds the dead and fucking evaporates the living. So even if everyone who sees the field is okay with the concept of Night of the Living Jocks, there's still the question of what happened to the body of a guy who wasn't a ghost until he went to that farm.

The movie ends with a bunch of cars pulling up to the field from all over America, presumably to save Costner from financial ruin. What were their lives before being mindlessly drawn to middle of nowhere in Iowa? They were eating dinner, or visiting friends, or taking a huge dump, when suddenly and telepathically they were drawn out and into their cars to drive thousands of miles to watch baseball. Will they wake up from that? Or are they caught in the same spell as Costner, forever meant to sit outside watching reincarnated sports figures?

Universal Pictures
How many bathrooms does Costner's house have? They're going to deplete the surrounding town's resources as soon as they get hungry.

And it isn't just the living world that has to deal with Costner abruptly building a sports arena and kidnapping an old black activist. The ghosts have to put up with Costner's bullshit, too. The main baseball player, played by a Ray Liotta who is like 90 percent cheeks, asks Costner "Is this heaven?" Meaning that he's either been trapped in Purgatory or Hell and has been suddenly released from the shackles of the Nether to play baseball in Costner Stadium. And how does Costner respond to these inquiries?

"It's Iowa."

Universal Pictures
"Fuckin' thanks, Kevin."

But what can this imply, other than that to these ghosts, Costner is God now? He has fashioned a paradise for them, and at the end of the day, they go back into the cornfields, back into Purgatory. They'll never experience the love that Costner feels with his family, or the outside world, because, as you see, they can't leave the baseball field. So any other hobbies or passions that they had in life can never be recreated. They are trapped on his property, doomed to eternally throw balls to each other while Costner gawks at them all day. It's the only Heaven they'll ever know -- at least until Costner gets bored and decides to try basketball.

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