4

Not Realizing How Many Rights You Have

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3

Forgetting That Every Problem You Have Is Already Solved

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Did you know that you can get all your mail forwarded from your old place if you ask nicely? Seriously, just go right here. It's like a dollar. And if you're just made of cash and decide to pay $18 a week, you can even have it sent by Priority Mail to you anywhere. It's not perfect, because nothing is, but it gives you some extra time to get all those addresses changed (like, a straight year). Plus, each letter that gets forwarded comes with a helpful yellow sticker saying, "Hey bro, remember to change this address."

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The thing is, missing bills and payments don't just screw you, they screw everyone: the people you owe money to, the people who need you to do your job, your landlord -- silly bureaucratic nonsense isn't a problem isolated to you. It's an inefficiency in the system. And even though it feels like the system is evil and broken and working against you, it actually does want to maintain itself -- even if that means helping you out. So, yes, there's a good way to fix your address change.

Even when you can't find a form to sign or a government-funded solution, then -- unless you're moving into a shack in the middle of the desert -- you'll still have neighbors, and it's super useful to ask them for help. Trying to figure out which of the two possible Internet providers is better? How to get your bed up that narrow flight of stairs? The best place to score weed? Ask your neighbors because they've already done all that, probably multiple times. Regardless if they can't physically help you out, they'll probably be happy to answer the question because a lot of human beings are actually pretty rad folk.

2

Not Looking At Enough Places

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Look at lots and lots of places. Places slightly too expensive for you, places slightly too cheap, places too far from work, places underneath nuclear power plants -- it doesn't matter, just check them out (if you have the time) because apartment hunting is a different game in every neighborhood and you need to learn the rules.

For example, in LA, apartments don't come with refrigerators. As a functioning human being who has lived in civilized society, that is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard, and I blew off a lot of apartments because I thought they were scamming me or trying to rent to robots or something. And between zip codes, rental prices have insane variety: In (one of) my hometown(s) of Helena, Montana, I can get an entire house for like $800, but, in parts of LA, that gets you a cardboard box and a half-empty tube of toothpaste.

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"But, I'm moving within my hometown, so this doesn't apply to me!" Wrong, fool! The vast majority of people move because of a new job or a desire for a better living environment, and, in both those cases, you're entering a whole new world with new rules. Once you set your budget, it might take you four or five apartment visits before you can know for sure if prostitutes knife-fighting in your front lawn is something you'll be able to avoid or a perk. Can you expect unbroken windows, or is the simple fact that windows exist a freaking miracle? Should you be bummed this place makes you pay for electricity, or rejoicing that it actually has electricity? You can't know until you've put in the time.

Remember, new-home hunting is always a race against the clock, and the closer that date gets, the more willing you'll be to settle. Because the alternative is using your belongings to build a crude hut, shoving a knife between your teeth, and spending your nights fighting off overgrown rats and comedy writers.

1

Forgetting To Be Fucking Cool About Shit

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You sign your new lease, and it's rad. Assuming you do everything right with your new apartment and remember to talk to your new neighbors about how loud your new place is and take pictures of every dumb flaw, there's still one very important step: Be Fucking Cool About Shit. I cannot stress enough the importance of Being Fucking Cool About Shit in every possible situation.

For example, you're going to have unexpected problems your first few nights. Maybe meth addicts get spun under your bedroom window, maybe there's a 2:30 a.m. train that runs through your kitchen, or maybe you have ants. Be fucking cool about it. Scare the meth addicts with a flashlight, commit an act of domestic terrorism against the train, and buy TERRO ant traps because those are the best. Just be fucking cool about it.

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Or, maybe your neighbors run a mushrooms-and-noisy-sex cult. If you're like me, your first impulse is going to be to strip naked, press your dick against their window, and stare them all down until they make you their king and agree to be quiet -- but, that's not being cool about shit. Instead, just ask them to be quiet or figure out some kind of trade-off. I've had apartment mates who would give me free beer when they expected to get loud, and I was fiiiiine with that, man. Because I was 22 and didn't need sleep or care about my job, but the point remains: You gotta be fucking cool about it.

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Finally, and perhaps most importantly, be fucking cool to your landlord. Yes, I know that they are all a bunch of twattlefucks, and some of the best punk songs ever are about murdering them, but hear me out: You gain nothing by picking a fight or even by making it clear that you aren't to be fucked with. I can't guarantee it'll always work, but I can guarantee that it can work. Which is the most lameass guarantee ever, but, like I said, this game is rigged, and all you can hope to do is not get fucked too bad.

Anyway, I've been writing "Employed by 'The LA Times'" on all my rental applications, so I need to go figure out who their editor-in-chief is and bribe her.

JF Sargent really hopes he has somewhere to live by the time this article runs. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

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