As Seen on Packages Of:
Chung's for 2 Gourmet Microwavable Teriyaki Chicken, The Perfect Bite Gourmet Uncured Frozen Hot Dogs, Rondele Gourmet Spreadable Cheese, Cardini's Gourmet Cut Italian Croutons
Have you ever fallen into a cactus or a barbed-wire fence? Well, this meal is guaranteed to be at least three times more pleasurable than that. Made from the most satisfactory ingredients you as a customer will eat without complaining or dying, this product is conceivably safe for consumption.
Those strong yet precise artisan hands you likely see on the cover of this product, kneading dough or chopping vegetables, are guaranteed to be bacteria- and virus-free, partially because we begrudgingly adhere to basic food preparation laws, and partially because those hands were long ago replaced by sterile machines capable of producing 40 meals a minute in our factory. In fact, we guarantee that not a single human hand has touched your food, from the first mechanical separation of the rib meat (if applicable) to the moment you peel back the film after microwaving.
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That's a promise.
Your meal is guaranteed to be assembled using natural ingredients, some of which have been synthetically created and loosed on an indoor farm, but this isn't really the time for an argument on whether the compounds and organisms created by man are any less natural than those created by God, because really, what if there is no God? Or what if he/she is actually in each of us? Now that's food for thought -- gourmet food!