"If we find a firearm in a car, we do everything we can to avoid touching it or relocating it," Taylor said, "[because] we become felons if we touch it. Politics!"
If you're like me, this is kind of a dealbreaker. Removing all the weapons and wild animals from your car could take hours. So why not fix the stuff yourself? Well, that's more possible than you think, because ...
In An Emergency, You Can MacGyver A Simple Fix
"I have seen customers use duct tape as hoses. Bendy-straws as vacuum lines, dryer sheets for air filters, tape to fix an oil leak, etc," Taylor said wistfully. "Most of the time, if they jerry-rig their cars, they let us know and admit to it, and we usually look at it and say, 'If it's dumb and it works, it's not dumb.'"
That's good to know, because some of the shit I've done to my cars have been crazy dumb. I used to drive a 1990 Toyota Pick Up, and when it sprung a leak in its fuel line, I slapped a $2 strip of hose on there and forgot to fix it for three years. Then, instead of fixing it, I sold the whole car, because I'm a piece of shit. I like to think that car is still out there, though -- and statistically speaking, it probably is.
It's basically the Rasputin of cars.
You can also use pantyhose as an alternator belt. But there's all kinds of crazier stuff I'd never even heard of that Taylor went into detail about: "For example, egg white in your radiator will seal it in an emergency, but you will still need to replace your radiator. Same with pepper in the radiator."
Oddly enough, the weird, outside-the-box shit sometimes works better than the stuff you'd buy at a store. "Never use stop-leak or headgasket repair from an auto parts store," Taylor said. "You will need to replace much, much more. Such as your heater core, and all your hoses and usually your engine."
That's this part.
Anyway, like I said at the beginning, owning a car is a lot like being in love: exhausting, expensive, requiring a lot of specific know-how, and you're going to screw it up a few times before you get it right. But don't worry, because once you're old and driving around a reliable-but-boring Corolla, you might be able to put some time and effort into a hot new Miata to bomb around in on the weekends. Ew. Maybe comparing lovers to cars is kinda sleazy.
JF Sargent is a Senior Editor at Cracked, with a new column every Thursday. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook, if you've got the guts.
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