GoBots were on TV alongside Transformers and were basically the same idea, but they were to the Transformers what Snooki is to Neil DeGrasse Tyson in terms of being able to think. About anything.
There was a fuckin' GoBot named Scooter. Guess what he transformed into. Just guess. How any of the voice actors stayed sober enough to read the script to the end of an entire 22-minute episode is mind-boggling.
What an unwashed dick of a cartoon character.
I'm just going to list dumb shit here because I had to Google GoBots to refresh my memory of this show and it's all flooding back in such a deluge of lazy-ass writing that I am starting to lose my ability to maintain sentence structure. It's like my brain is engaging in sympathetic what-the-fuckery. Anyway, here are some other GoBots characters you should be familiar with: Spay-C the space shuttle; Rest-Q the ambulance; Cop-Tur the helicopter; Spoons the forklift (because fuck you); and Tux, the Rolls-Royce who wore a top hat. I swear to God that shit seriously happened. Some magnificent cokehead at Tonka in the mid-'80s just walked his completely blitzed ass into the office one day and probably screamed at the development team that he wanted a robot wearing a top hat by the end of the day or he was going to literally skull fuck everyone in the building to death.
Have I made fun of Scooter yet? Because fuck Scooter.
You can tell how much I actually disliked GoBots, but still watched Challenge of the GoBots, by how much I'm swearing in just this entry. I literally want to put the word "fuck" in every sentence. The show was so lazy and just had such disdain for its audience that it couldn't care less. It could not care less if you or I or any child even had a functioning brain. There was a character named Pumper, and another character named Dumper, and neither one had a dick or an ass that I'm aware of. There was even a Porsche named Baron Von Joy. Can you get drunk enough to understand that but still maintain the motor control to type your explanation in the comments section? That's rhetorical, because I already know you can't.
And that brings me to the crux of this entry and what I learned from the GoBots. They produced the toys for four years and made 65 episodes of the show. That, to me, seems like a remarkable run of success from some people who clearly had no fucks to give, and that was inspiring to me. If a room full of substance-abusing Asians could export their lazy, ripoff robot cartoon and still convince me to watch it, then no matter how much of a fuckup I turned into as an adult, I'd still get by OK. And look at me now! You just read my whole column.
Check out more from Fortey in 8 Horrifying Uses of Branding (Feat. Hello Kitty Pads) and 5 Awesome Things Monkeys Can Do (Better Than Most Humans).