You think that maybe you previously watched a version that went fucking bonkers all of a sudden and that this one will feature a more straightforward attempt at boogieing. And, every time, Crispin Glover delights you with the moves of a skeleton attempting to rip through its own skin. He jerks around, trying to tell his fellow cast members in sign language, "Help. My skull has suddenly become filled with ants," but instead of reacting in shock, they just watch in amusement as this alien fights every ghost in the room. And then he sleeps with a girl he met that afternoon. And this is all after he complains that he was accused of being a "dead fuck." It's a nice moral.
Afterward, he comes downstairs to his friend and shows off the girl's panties.
Damn, Crispin. I thought you were gonna be cool about this.
In Freddy Vs. Jason, after sex, a guy tells his girlfriend, "BABE, YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED AFTER, OK?" with the tone of a man who lists his Facebook relationship status as "Domestic Disturbance." In Rosemary's Baby, after he's just gotten his wife impregnated by a devil cult, Rosemary's husband tells Rosemary that he just couldn't wait for her to wake back up before he started making babies, rather than, for instance, any other excuse ever. "You were asleep, so I raped you" is the alibi that he'd been thinking of for weeks. He was involved with a group that's trying to birth the Antichrist's kid, and that is the best thing that they could come up with. Satan Jr. is going to choke to death while trying to eat his own stupid tail. They're hopeless.
Baby Lucifer deserves better.
Dudes in knifey horror films tend to be divided into two groups: 1) borderline unsexual people with a mission, or 2) bored dudes with a dong. The first are like Dr. Loomis in Halloween, who probably can't get through a dirty come-on without inserting a monologue about the nature of pure evil ...
Compass International Pictures
I spent eight years trying to reach him and another seven trying to keep him locked up,
but it'll only take me a few minutes to slaughter that sweet poon.
... or dudes like Rory Gilmore's first boyfriend in the Friday The 13th remake who could probably muster a few puns but needs to find his sister before it would be socially acceptable to get his stuff wet. They have a greater purpose. They might get to triumphantly make out with the girl who also didn't get laid during the whole chainsaw thing, but sex is something that's not on the table for them. They're too important to lower themselves to the level of the nut-busting peasants.
The bored guys, who are inherently less heroic because they weren't the victim of some prior tragedy or aren't conflicted with some kind of turmoil, are having sex. They're humping towards the cliff.
In The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Tobe Hooper's black comedy about the inner workings of the chili industry, the leader of the cannibal clan says, "You have one choice, boy: sex or the saw. Sex is, well ... nobody knows. But the saw ... the saw is family!"
The hammer is a distant cousin. And the meat hook is just a friend.
Not only were these, oddly, the last words that my great-great-uncle ever said to me, but they relate to the horror genre as a whole. You can either engage in lurid, awful sex with mean ol' girls, or you can be driven by some higher power. Horror movies simply can't reconcile having an actual character with getting an erection.
Daniel has a blog and absolutely loves it.
The Oscars ceremony used to be a prestigious event. These days, it's more and more becoming a drama that deserves it's own ridiculous Hollywood retelling. Join Stanley Wong ("The Big Short"), Liana Maeby ("South On Highland"), Jack O'Brien, Dan O'Brien, and Alex Schmidt for a LIVE podcast at the UCB Sunset Theatre on Feb. 3 at 7:00 p.m. as they break down what it'll take to save the Academy. Get your tickets here!
Learn why the entire Alien franchise is nothing but dicks and vaginas in 5 Terrifying Uses Of Sexual Symbolism In Horror Films, and you'll forever notice the homoerotic subtext in The Covenant after you read The 5 Most Unintentionally Gay Horror Movies.
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