I have fond memories of my childhood, and yet, somehow the movie studios are just a little fonder. They enjoy reminiscing with me about the things I loved as a boy and even the things I didn't care for but which they insist I loved anyway. In fact, it's rare to see a movie released now that isn't based on a book, comic, cartoon or a show from my adolescence. This personalization of film is flattering but the studios and I both know that a friendship based on memories can't last. Already they are out of good ideas and shamelessly grasping for any last nugget of nostalgia; Battleship the movie is due out in 2012, Candy Land is in development, as is Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and even the Magic Eight Ball is getting 90 minutes worth of whatever they intend to use in place of plot.
Outlook not so good.
Rather than fight it, I've chosen to embrace the exploitation of my youth. I intend to see it through to the cheerless end, because as I understand it, there's money to be made. I've scraped together five new movie ideas based on games from my childhood, games the film industry accidentally overlooked. I've captured the flavor of each with a plot summary and an excerpt from the script. Let it be known now, if any of these movies ever get made, someone owes me some goddamn money.
A jaded, independent cop is forced to team up with an attractive doctor of Behavioral Science to follow the trail of an elusive serial killer. The only clues indicating who the murderer will attack next are written in the physical features of the previous victims. Together, the unlikely pair must race against the clock to uncover the killer's profile through process of elimination before the death toll rises. Will the next victim have red hair? Will he be old? Will he be wearing a hat? The temperature rises as officer and doctor grow closer to the answers ... and closer to one another.
A year after his brother's mysterious murder during an unsanctioned Bop It tournament, a high school senior must delve into the underground world of Bob It culture to uncover the truth. What he finds is a ring of corruption and greed that leads all the way to the head offices of Hasbro. Unable to face the corporate giant alone, he enlists the help of a rag-tag Bop It gang to destabilize the entire institution. Through the journey, he learns the true meaning of brotherhood and simultaneously helps the gang build a Bob It studio for at-risk teens in an urban neighborhood.
After living a pious life despite the depravity and temptations that surround him, an aging priest begins to wonder if it was all worth it. God, sensing his doubt, rewards the priest with a seven minute glimpse into the beauty of the afterlife. The old man is allowed carte blanche behind the pearly gates; he can meet anyone he chooses, see anything he wants, and do whatever his heart desires. But once the seven minutes are up, the priest no longer wants to go back. God is forced to launch and all out manhunt across the infinite expanse of heaven to find the fleeing father.
A college professor decides to take a leave of absence to reconnect with his children and ex-wife. Together they set out on a road trip across the United States. He aims to both see the heart of America and to win back the heart of his one true love. But the trip meets tribulation when the car breaks down in desert of Arizona and the family must pull together as a unit to stay alive. Relationships are tested proving that the roads of life are not always straight and the destination isn't always clear. Also, one of them is in a wheelchair.
The world of 2040 is ravaged by nuclear war. Countries have picked up the pieces and started over but now lack the technological prowess they had once achieved. Even with weaponry set back centuries, greed and power are still the driving forces of all humanity. The earth is embroiled in a world war fought with only cavalry, infantry and cannons. Nations have allied into continents and now invade other continents on whims.
Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.
Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.
In some cases, the Marvel source material just did better.