Calm Down, Your Fetish Isn't All That Weird

Sex is everywhere, but woe be to the sex that airs before 10 p.m. and ever goes beyond a man and a woman kissing and maybe engaging in nipple play or softcore no-genitals-visible intercourse. We tolerate, in small doses, more of the risque stuff on our HBO and Showtime, but never in real life. For evidence of this, look at how many people online still use "pervert" as the go-to term for someone who has any kind of sex that isn't dusty missionary between two god-fearing Middle Americans. Come on. If you think an extramarital blowjob is perverted, you need to flee the internet right away because sooner or later, you're going to see something that turns your curlies white.

Now the thing to acknowledge about this stigma is that it's posturing. All bullshit posturing. How many of those people who condemn someone for a blowjob, or homosexuality, or promiscuity, aren't engaging in similar activities behind closed doors? And, more pertinently, why should it matter? Why does where I put my ball sack matter a hill of beans to anyone so long as it's not in their lunch box?

jelly/Pixabay
Unless you want it in your lunchbox, in which case, I'll check my schedule.

That's essentially the stigma we all face -- what we do shouldn't matter, and realistically doesn't, but it will be judged. And we fear that. It's natural to fear being treated like you're weird or wrong. We can say "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks" all we like, but few people can live that way. And you shouldn't, either. We live in a society with one another, so what other people think does matter. But you shouldn't have to be the one to change or hide when the thing other people think is, to be blunt, fucking stupid. But that's the way it "should" be. Not how it is. How it is is you get the stink eye when someone finds out you like to fuck melons.

Bringing up "your thing" with someone else is often one of the most harrowing parts of a relationship. If you're the kind of person who can just say to anyone "I'd love to eat paella out of your bum," know that you're both rare and envied. For the rest of us, it's a hell of a leap of faith.

The big difference between having a fantasy and making it reality is, as you may have guessed, that one is real and one is not. You can entertain a fantasy that you're a pirate, doesn't mean you want a boat. Some people don't seem to be able to get that. It's a cliche defense you'll see on police procedural dramas that a rapist would say the victim liked rough sex and that's all that happened. Well, so what? Rape isn't rough sex and fantasy isn't reality.

Becoming OK with the idea that your fantasy isn't inviting a horrible reality is a hurdle. Because the darker the fantasy, the more the fear that it means something about you as a person -- that you want something bad, or you are bad. And you're probably not.

And I have to say probably, because any time I write something like this in general terms, I'll hear from someone who wants to bring up illegal activities, like pedophilia. And then I have to face palm and say fuck no. Fuck no, I don't mean that. In fact, here's where I'll say this whole thing is about safe, consensual acts that do not victimize or harm anyone or exploit anyone not in a position to be an equal, consenting partner in that sexual interaction. I'm mostly talking about finger banging someone in the back of the bus or whatever.

REDioACTIVE/Pixabay
Or a seat in the middle, if it's your birthday.

Role-playing requires that you not only have your sexual encounter, but you make it an improv smut routine at the same time. And sure, probably some people are happy to weave in and out of the fantasy as the mood strikes, but some people don't. Some people have a uniform and a personality shift and appropriate props and goddamn, how do you keep your boner geared up for fun after all this work?

Luckily for those into it, some people do maintain that bonerization. And some people are willing to commit to that level of effort for a partner but man, it can't be easy. If you want your partner to pretend they're Mrs. Ochmonek and you're ALF and the only way you can get back to Melmac is with a pork-fueled spaceship ride, your partner better be super turned on by ALF. But let's be real: They probably are. Who didn't used to rub one out to ALF?

Warner Bros. Television Distribution
Show of hands of who didn't. You fucking liars.

I know this from experience from having, after a substantial amount of time, someone ask me if I felt they weren't satisfying enough on their own, and that this fantasy needed to be included. And the weird thing was no, it didn't need to be included, and yes, they were satisfying enough. But at that point, I thought she was so into it too that I felt like it was expected each time. So essentially, we were both partially engaging in it for ourselves, but also because we thought the other person expected or needed it. Which wasn't true and as a result, it made the whole thing kind of sad and awkward.

Communication is your friend. Honest and frequent interactions based on trust is pretty much the only way to guarantee you'll get your nuts buttered and tied up with elastic bands whenever you desire such a thing AND keep everyone happy and sexually fulfilled. And guess what? Your abnormal shit is probably normal as hell in the grand scheme of what floats people's boats. I mean, some people intentionally paint miniatures. For fun. So even if you like to slather your genitals in hot sauce, you're not the weirdest person in the room.

For more check out 12 Fetishes That Will Brighten Your Day and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.

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