Do you remember the first time you saw The Clapper? That got made fun of in its day, but the first time you saw it, I know you thought it was a good idea. So did millions of other people. I know this because the damn thing still exists. People buy them all the time, because we like the idea of simply having mastery over our technology. I want to clap like a lazy Sultan and have light and cool air brought to me. I shall gesture and the machines will do my bidding, lest Master become salty with them and kick them into the Pit of Despair with the waffle iron and the Wii. I shall incline my head, and the Fleshlight shall giveth me pleasure just so.
The sound of one hand clapping is so damn sexy.
In reality, we have remote controls. I have a remote for my TV, my Blu-ray, my stereo, my air conditioner, my massage chair, my Xbox, and then a drawer with about six more in it, and I don't even know what they do. One remote I have is just a single big button. What the hell is it for? I can't imagine. And I shouldn't have to. My brain shouldn't be wrestling over which remote operates what, and even those semi-useful remotes that operate a handful of machines in my home are still not where I want them to be. We need a Siri for the home, a pleasantly voiced robotic interface that just relies on voice commands. But we'll give it a less-shitty name than Siri. In fact, when you first get it, you can just customize the name. I'll call mine Hugo. "Hugo, turn on the TV to channel 929; I fancy some softcore pornography just now." And Hugo will do as commanded. "Hugo, turn the air conditioner down two degrees, for this softcore pornography has made me lusty and hot indeed." And Hugo will do so. "Hugo, be a good chap and lower the volume to 13, lest the neighbors hear the characters in this softcore pornography moaning about humping pumpkins!" And as good as his word, Hugo will do it.
Vasile Cotovanu / Wiki Commons
"Hugo, ready my toilet. I wish to write that pepper article."
I guarantee we have the technology right now for a central hub, voice-activated remote-control system. Don't tell me we don't. I want it to make my damn Keurig Tom Collins while it puts on Netflix for me and dims the lights. I want it, and I deserve it, and so do you. This isn't Battlestar Galactica-level stuff. This is probably less R&D-intensive than that poop-cooler pill I wanted in the beginning of this article.
If I wanted to strain credulity, I'd have Hugo doing Google searches for me and ordering pizza online, and even that should be possible. You can send a hashtag to Domino's on Twitter and get pizza, for God's sake -- this should be 2012-level stuff I'm asking for. Basically, what I want is a system that ensures everything in your house works so you never have to, and we'll all slowly decay into Hutts, laughing from our uncomfortable-looking concrete bed slab, while a little critter with a beak eats frogs near our tail. That's the life.
Learn how the Vatican came up with the Big Bang Theory (not the TV show, the other thing) in 5 Awesome Things Invented By The Last People You'd Expect, and you'll agree that "particulus" has to be part of our vocabulary after you read 6 Words That Need To Be Invented.
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