In it we meet a charmingly awkward young photographer who develops a crush on a girl after he accidentally snaps her picture while he's chasing bubbles. They flirt, their relationship grows, and at the end they f**k in his dorm room.

The Problem

What I just described is the story the ad thinks it's telling. You can tell by the music. The real story of this ad, intended or not, is that of a burgeoning serial killer popping his murder-cherry. All that "flirting" I talked about? A more accurate word would be: "he follows her everywhere without her knowledge and discreetly snaps photos," but that's not a word, so I'm just going to say "stalking."

"Yeah, let's market to THIS guy!"

But it's cute, see, because after he snaps all those pictures and makes a crazy-wall of her face, he invites her over to his murder-closet. Those words describe a cute thing.

This is less an ad and more a warning to anyone who plans on dating the director in the future. Wait, no, you won't even have to date him. You won't even know he's into you. You'll just get an invitation, and when you arrive at the address scrawled on the inside of the envelope, he'll emerge from the shadows and ... well, we can't actually know for sure, but it most likely ends with him wearing your skin as a suit.

Buy Canon.

The Real Problem Here

The monologue at the end of this commercial lovingly says, "It's a funny thing about a Porsche: there's the moment you know you want one, there's the moment you first own one, and for the truly afflicted there's the decade or two that passes in between." So it's advertising the fact that kids fall in love with these sports cars and then carry that love into adulthood.

This is a minor point, but I don't think they really float across the water like an automotive Jesus.
Am I wrong? Someone let me know in the comments.

Hey! Did you know that doing that is illegal in some countries? The U.K. has passed f**king laws saying that advertising can't "take advantage of the natural credulity and sense of loyalty of children." Because it's like brainwashing, because children are stupid and emotionally vulnerable. I hate them so much.

3sbworld/iStock/Getty Images
I couldn't be less impressed.

Porsche isn't just doing that in this commercial, they're f**king celebrating it. "We brainwashed your kid to want our product," says Porsche. "We own them now, body and soul. The illusion of free will is a bitter memory," says Porsche. "Your flesh and blood lines our ranks. If you cross us, you will be destroyed at the hands of those you love most, and your last thoughts will be heartbreak at their betrayal. And when our blood-armies cover the Earth, the Reign of Our Dark Word shall commence," says Porsche.

When you read between the lines.

The Problem

This probably seems like small potatoes after that whole "Porsche shall bring about the apocalypse" thing, but this ad bums me out. I mean, just look at those poor, naive bastards. They're clinging to a doomed relationship out of a childish sense of loyalty and permanence. Their innocence is about to be dashed, they can never go home again, and Best Buy is profiting off that.

Ever notice that dudes all be going to schools with square lamps, while chicks are always going to schools
with round lamps? Ha! Men and women are different.

Basically, this ad bothers me for two reasons: one, we see a Best Buy customer-service rep actually helping a customer, and brother, there's a Best Buy right near my house, and I promise you that never f**king happens. Second, it just seems cruel to emotionally vulnerable teens. Maybe I'm overreacting but -- OK, bear with me here, right? Best Buy can't possibly be in business due to the service they provide, right? The only advantage a real store has over Amazon.com at this point is customer service, and that train has sailed right on over the tracks. So maybe -- just maybe -- Best Buy is a doomsday machine powered by human misery.

I know it's a bit of a stretch, but how else do you explain this ad? There's no other way.

A bunch of men in wheelchairs play basketball to sappy music. One of them falls over, but he pulls himself up, because that's inspiring. Finally, at the end of the game, all but one of the men stand up and head to the bar. Surprise! Turns out most of them can walk, but they're just pretending they can't so that their poor disabled friend has someone to play basketball with. Isn't that inspiring?

The Problem

Awkward question: who's inspirational in this ad? The guy in the wheelchair, or the able-bodied dudes who would dare debase themselves by being his friend? As this blog points out, it's the latter, and that's super f**king weird. Because, as the post goes on to say, ads are "aspirational": they show you something that you want to be and then say that you can be that thing by buying the product. In this case, the product is a beer milkshake, and the aspiration is to be the kind of person who makes friends with people who are less than you. According to this ad, the only way to do that is to cut yourself down to their sick, broken level and then be applauded for it (probably by other people whose legs work). "So, what? You're saying that disabled people are less than?" No! The ad is saying that. If you disagree, then tell me, just what the hell is the ad saying? What is the message if not "you're brave for being friends with a cripple"?

When you look at this ad, the ad also looks at you, and it sees a wimp that wants to be tough. It wants to give you the easiest possible way to make yourself tough. And the easiest way is to go find a disabled dude, become his friend, and then totally creep him out when you offer to ride around in a wheelchair with him.

And what about the guy in the chair (that is, the guy who stays in the chair)? What does he want? No one cares. He barely counts as a demo.

Then he throws up and hangs out with his daughter and shut up, I'm not crying, I just have that disease the guy from Casino Royale has, only instead of crying blood it's tears, and instead of being a tell for when I'm bluffing it's a thing I do when I'm sad. But in the commercial he beats the cancer! I feel so inspired and rejoiceful! We see him jogging, hanging out with his friends, teasing his daughter, going to barbecues, and ...

... did he just f**king choke on a hamburger?

He did. He did, and now he's dead, right after beating cancer. How ironic.

The Fucking Shit Was That?

Guys, what the hell? I admit that there's a fine line between "bringing awareness to a tragedy" and "making me feel uncomfortable and manipulated," but this s**t is all the way into "Nicholas Sparks f**king my dead puppy" territory. There's no irony, no clever twist. It's just awful.

And it's not even good advertising! This is meant to be promoting first aid. But people don't learn first aid because they're scared of their dad choking on hamburgers, they learn first aid because they want to be a hero. If you're making an ad about first aid, go the tried-and-true route: point out that if you're at a party and save someone's f**king life, you are super getting laid that night. The sexiest person at that party will put their tongue wherever you want -- and you won't even have to ask. Just point, and they'll start a lickin'.

That's what "aspirational" means. Give us something wonderful to try to be -- don't just remind us that our existence is governed by ineffable chaos and that our entropic lives will end in a pointless and cruel extinguishing of our consciousness. That's the kinda s**t you put in comedy articles.