Things got really weird when Lucky Strike forced viewers to imagine their future fat butts on a horse. Not only is the horse bogged down with the weight of a thousand Depression-era snacks (aka apples), but it's losing a race to the "prettier" skinny version of the same person. Look at the first half of the skinny model's horse leap like it's made of air! Notice how its backside is probably not going to clear the fence, which is also a good metaphor for the lung health of a long-term smoker.

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Of course, Lucky's "Don't Be Fat" campaign ran in the 1930s, when women were barely out of the house and only months beyond their liberation from knee-length hair. So you can understand the mindset behind displaying looming jelly shadows as examples of what not to be. Advertisers didn't know any better. But you'd also think their granddaughters would move on to better things 30 years later. You'd be wrong.

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Way to capture the zeitgeist, Silva Thins. Notice how the ad was still targeting the male smoker by comparing cigarettes to women. Thin and rich women. Because who wants to smoke a poor fatty?

Ladies, we're just getting started on the bad things coming your way, cigarette-marketing-wise.

If you could sum up six seasons of Mad Men in an image, this would be it. The thread between cigarettes and institutionalized misogyny is so spurious, you almost forget that this is an ad at all. It's more like a 2-year-old's attempt at explaining why he pooped his pants but also likes spaghetti. The connection between the two things exists only in his own mind.

Sociological Images

"The Bookstacker serves the cause of classical literature in various ways. Perhaps the least of these is in keeping the rows of books properly aligned and the jackets free of dust. Her most important contribution is in improving the environment for study, enhancing the halls of learning with her own classical forms."

My favorite part of the ads is the practiced look of indifference on the women's faces. That's the truest part of the campaign -- women who are regularly harassed play deaf and ignorant to keep their tormentors from getting a reaction. So you can tell the illustrator knew what he was doing when he drew these ridiculously proportioned women up -- he knew that look almost too well. The second best part of the ads is the lack of a single cigarette in the hands of ANYONE.

In 1965, the surgeon general declared that cigarette companies could no longer tout the fake health benefits of their product. Up to that point, brands could say anything: that more doctors smoked their cigarettes, or that theirs were better for your throat, or that they gave you the hardest Lindy Hop skills. Tobacco ads were a hot stogie of lies, and the public smoked them up for decades.

For example:

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That's an oddly specific number of physicians! It turns out 20,679 doctors responded to a three-year survey sponsored by Lucky Strike's advertising company -- a survey that sent free cartons of Lucky Strikes to doctors while asking them if their cigarettes were less irritating than other brands. Most doctors said "Yes" and "Thank you for the free smokes."

Fast forward to the mid-'60s, and promises of physical wellness through smoking were off the table. Like a frustrated and proud puma backed into a coffin-shaped corner, smokers got defensive. Winston cigarettes decided to capture the moment with a series of ads that were downright pissy.

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The faces in the ads ranged from "Stay away from me, I'm mad as hell" to "Stay away from me, I'm about to make love to this box of cigarettes and you don't want to be here to see it." The only unifying theme was that the models had angry expressions and baffling quotes. Have you ever picked a brand of anything because it's nice and boxy? The guy below has.

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For all we know, this guy was also smoking crayons because the box fit so nicely in his jean jacket, but Winston was smart enough to keep that part on the DL. One ad simply featured a mildly cross-eyed woman who spewed out truncated half-finished thoughts about her smoking history.

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Deleted quotes included "I like bandannas" and "What's that?" and "Do you need a sweater? Because I'm wearing two." Eventually Winston just cut out the extra random thoughts and ran ads featuring the weirdest weirdo they could find.

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Necks snapped in laughter-induced whiplash during these Kool campaigns, but it was worth it to convey the frivolity that comes with Kools. Newport cigarettes took the idea of having a good time and ran it to the moon and back. What started as a simple campaign to celebrate youth and activity turned into a cautionary tale of what happens when you smoke cigarettes that are presumably loaded with lead paint. For example, you've been swimming before, right? You know how getting in and out of a pool works. It's not hard or hilarious or a task that requires a mouth so wide open that you could drive a truck through it. Smoke Newports and all of that will change.

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When frolicking on a hammock, do you often find your entire leg caught inside someone's shirt? Brother, Newport cigarettes has been there.

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On a scale from "super" to "Jerry Lewis," how funny are people wearing white sheets and enormous grinning jack-o'-lantern heads? If you said "Jerry Lewis times infinity," you're in good company. People who smoke Newports agree with you.

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Smoking Newport cigarettes must have been like living in an infomercial -- but high. Every simple task is really hard and gut-bustingly funny at the same time. Of course, that's assuming you were capable of even getting the cigarette to your lips without burning yourself. People who mockingly iron each other probably shouldn't be trusted with lit cigarettes anyway.

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It's the Stallion Who Mounts the World, smoking a cigarette, flying with bat wings, sporting a pompadour that flows in the wind. And he's smiling right at you. Looking at this bat-horse, you almost forget about cancer and the surgeon general and the stuff that comes up from your throat when you wake up in the morning after years of smoking. Stained teeth, smelly clothes, yellowed fingernails ... none of it matters. Look at that Elvis-haired horse making love to Earth. You want to smoke now, don't you? So does the planet. It must have been good.

Marlboro, via Vintage Catalog

Advertisers went out of their way to showcase cigarettes in the fingers, mouths, and paws of things that not only should not exist, but should not exist and should not be smoking. Leave it to Newport cigarettes to cut right to the chase by sticking their name on the last person you want to associate with your brand -- a pregnant woman.

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Stripes is giving his lady friend a box of candies, and Newport stupidly superimposed their cartons to the right of her protruding belly, because Newport was once the halfwits of the cigarette world (which was a hard achievement to accomplish, all things considered).

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