Lizards. Just fucking everywhere. Way less scary to me than the idea of bugs that size, but still. I'm from the Midwest -- I'm not used to a yard full of brave reptiles accompanying my milestones in life. Hey, speaking of stones, it was while taking count of all the lizards around the yard, for battle purposes if nothing else, that I spotted a stone of a different kind. It was a grave stone, and by that I mean it was a cinder block with an animal's name (I hope) written on it. There were three more next to it. There was a pet cemetery.
At least I hope it was just a "cemetery."
I noticed all of this within five minutes or so, then spent the next 25 reminding myself to ask my dead family why I had to come to fucking Florida to talk.
Oh, about that! When I finally made my way into the room, there was a quick prayer, then I was asked to hand over a personal possession of some sort. Something about energy and vibrations. I gave her a lighter. After telling me she saw lots of trips in my future, she zeroed in on a male figure who was reportedly watching over me. His name started with a J. She saw a keyboard. I have a cousin named Jason who used to play keyboards, but he didn't stop because he died -- he stopped because he started playing guitar, like an adult. I asked her if Jason died and this was how I was finding out. She assured me he's fine.
After a few more tries at identifying my spirit guide, she concluded that maybe it was just that no one close to me has ever died. I told her my dad died. That's true, and as so often happens, we were pretty close. At least, we were until he died. That kind of split us apart, but pretty close up to that point.
At one point she said I'd get married to someone who was "creative" like me. I took this less as a prediction and more as something you toss out there assuming that if the girl you just talked to is willing to travel alone with a dude to some desolate part of Florida, things can't be going too badly in their relationship.
It's one step away from just agreeing to get in an open trunk.
I said "totally" and remained completely unimpressed. Things never really improved. She told me to go to Virginia at one point. Why? Did all of their airports break? If not, I invite all of my friend (not a typo) in that lovely state to come see me in LA anytime. It felt like a threat more than anything, and overall, the reading felt a lot like watching a comic bomb onstage. It was uncomfortable to the point that I felt bad for her.
That's important, because what am I going to do, refuse to pay her? Seeing as how I was running up a $2-per-minute tab (plus a $5 fee for the convenience of using a debit card), I would have loved to, but I felt so bad. I wanted her to do well. I wanted her scam to work. So, in that way, I think it did.
There was one hitch, though, in that for some reason, the new-age card reader she'd attached to her iPhone wasn't able to read either of the cards I had on me. Despite repeated swipes and plenty of available funds, every attempt failed.
If I really ever did have a guardian angel looking out for me, I suspect it was in that moment.
Adam will be in Albuquerque, Kansas City and St. Louis next week telling jokes directly to your face. Go here for more details! Also, give him a follow on Twitter @adamtodbrown or just haunt him in a chill way if you're dead.
For more ATB, check out 5 Bizarre Mashups that Shouldn't Work This Well and 5 Tribute Albums that Don't Realize How Insulting They Are.
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