5 Insane Music Videos That Predate MTV

Even if the tag on the video didn't say it was 1970, we'd still know that that's approximately when this video was being filmed because the next shot reveals that the young woman is clearly planning to marry into the Manson family.

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"Like you're married to obvious jokes, asshole."

As for the band, their image is projected on the young woman's abdomen, because that's the very least the people making this video could do in terms of acknowledging their contributions. Like, literally, the very least.

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How hippies spell "Thug Life."

But the video makers knew you couldn't just fill four entire minutes with shots of an attractive if not somewhat terrifying young woman dancing. People would get bored. If you're currently shooting a music video in the 1970s and would like to avoid this as well, break the monotony of all that live action with some images of people standing still.

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People love that shit. You know what else people love? Twist endings, and this video has one.

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Holy shit, you guys! Bill really is gonna marry this broad! Or Bill is about to get shot in the face! Either way, great video.

And the budget crisis only gets worse from there. If you're familiar with this song, you know that, at one point, a rocket launches into space. David Bowie needs to let you know this, in case you're watching with the volume turned all the way down. Some filmmakers would use stock footage of a rocket launch or something similarly dull, but not David Bowie. Instead, David Bowie lets you know that a rocket has launched using nothing more than ...

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You have surprised David Bowie. Explain yourself.

... the majestic facial gesticulations of David Bowie. That's him, looking on in awe as a rocket carrying Major Tom takes off for outer space. An outer space where, according to the song, "the stars look very different today." That line is delivered as this shot appears on screen:

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I can't explain everything that's going on in this song or in this video, but I think I can handle this one. Those stars look different because, clearly, they're not stars at all, but rather clothes being worn by people.

You know what? I'm starting to question if David Bowie has really even been to outer space before. This guy clearly has no idea what he's talking about.

That's not a shadow you're seeing in the crotch region of that screenshot. Well, I guess it is a shadow, it just happens to be a shadow that's enveloping a massive cock. And it had to be the promise of pants that would make his schlong look like it should be selling magazines that convinced Andy Kim to play a supporting role in a music video starring his penis. If nothing else, it provides a plausible explanation for the otherwise confounding shot that immediately precedes the first verse.

"Hello, my name is sex."

That's the look of a man leaning over to a crew member to ask, "Are these pants doing what they're supposed to do?" And I don't think I need to remind you, they totally were.

But you can't just sell a video on uncomfortable outlines of cocks alone. You have to throw something else into the mix to break the monotony. I personally wouldn't recommend something like this, but for some reason, it's what Andy Kim and his people decided on ...

That's Andy Kim's goddamn gigantic head, and after more than a few seconds of looking at it, you'd probably be anxious to get another look at that crotch bulge, too. Not that anyone could blame you, of course. That thing is majestic. Unfortunately for the star of this video, it's apparently pretty heavy as well. I base that assumption on the fact that:

Andy Kim ...

Cannot lift ...

His left leg ...

Go ahead, watch the video again. Watch it 50 times if you need to. Try as you might, you're not going to find one instance of the dance move depicted in the above series of images ever ending with Andy Kim lifting his left leg. It just doesn't happen.

If you were packing the kind of heat that Andy Kim is in those official-issue 1970s disco pants, you would probably be able to sympathize.

Question: What's long, hard and full of seamen?

Answer: The set of this Rolling Stones video.

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"We will definitely never regret this."

It's cocaine, right? That's what makes grown men who aren't paid to defend our nation from invaders by sea but who still dress up in sailor outfits do what they do, right? Back when Elton John was taking the stage dressed like Donald Duck, he was pounding massive amounts of cocaine up his absurdly abused nostrils.

So, a meeting was called, lines of coke were snorted, somebody said something about the navy, Mick Jagger said "Brilliant!" and, just like that, a video idea was apparently born. Honestly, it beats the alternative, which, whenever Mick Jagger is involved, always runs the risk of being just this for five minutes:

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Stop it.

But this inexplicably wardrobed video doesn't just lie back and expect the Stones and a bunch of homoerotic clothing to handle all of the heavy entertainment lifting. At some point, with maybe a minute or so left in the video, this happens ...

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That's right, bubbles. Because when you're dressed like that, filling the room with any other milky white liquid would just be crass.

The band is made up of three budding superstars named Jimmy, Bruce and Sandy. They all have enough talent to become major stars in the world of music. Oh, and their lead singer gets a passing mention also. His name ... is Michael Bolton.

That's right, the Michael Bolton used to be in a rock band. This is a picture of him dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow decades before the Lonely Island asked him to.

The sea is in his blood.

In this video, after the introduction from that record industry stereotype in the beginning, Michael Bolton and company tear into one of their songs, a little tune called "No Way Am I Watching This Video Again Just to Get the Name of the Song." It's pretty fucking awful, but that certainly doesn't dampen the mood when it comes to Blackjack's prospects for the future. Take this guy, for example ...

You probably recognize him as the man who discovered the band Foreigner in 1977. Or at least he talks about it like you should all have it committed to memory by now. Through his work and nothing else, he was able to make Foreigner the biggest band in the world. And now, on camera, he promised to make Blackjack the ... "Band of Polydor Records"? So, not even the biggest band on Polydor Records? Just "the band" on Polydor Records? Well, that's a step down.

You know, with expert career guidance and support like this, I have a hard time understanding why this band was never huge. Just as I have a hard time understanding why Michael Bolton eventually was.

Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.

For more from Adam, check out 6 Musicians Who Predicted Their Own Death in Song and The 6 Most Atrocious Uses of Facial Hair in Music History.