4

The RockBox 2

Via Amazon

"Hey, Tom. I got tasked with designing this new sex toy, but this is actually my first day at the office. Can you give me any pointers?"

"Oh, it's easy. Just make something that buzzes and tears through a ton of batteries, and remember to put a bunch of silicone between the whirring parts and on whatever section people will try to stuff up their butt."

"See, that's the thing. I have no idea how to build those things. I used to make engines for race cars."

"Look, just build whatever you like and stick a tongue or whatever on top. We'll say it's new technology, everyone will lap it up."

That's probably not the actual origin of the RockBox 2. But hey, you look at the thing and see if the above hypothetical doesn't seem like the most obvious explanation:

YouTube
"Tbtbfhhhhhtttt!"

3

The My Little Secret Talking Vibrator

Amazon

In 2004, the brave Sex And The City quartet of Binky, Moe, Jackalope and Frank introduced the viewers to the Rabbit Vibrator, aka your mom's best friend. It was a suspect-looking (but quite agreeable, I'm told) thing that looked like a two-pronged, latex-coated workshop tool that had pink bunny ears, because that's the kind of world we live in. But the Rabbit vibe worked, and it became popular, and all was well for everyone (and quite a bit more satisfying than it used to be for many).

Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty Images
"At least until our libel lawsuit hit them."

2

A Two-Person "Luxury" Sex Machine

Luxury Sex Machines

As a jaded and weary Internet denizen, you have no doubt on occasion bumped into tales of the fuck chair. In theory, it's certainly a noble concept: "Hey, you! Do you like dongs? Just sit here and boom! Infinite sex." In practice, however, these lounge chairs with dildos poking out of them like the worlds' most misguided attempt at making a game of Whack-a-Mole sexy are just about the goofiest objects in existence. But that's OK. Stupidity and sex don't rule each other out, a scientific fact that we know, given that anti-vaxxers tend to have children.

It's just that when someone takes a good look at something stupid and says, "Hey, I should totally make a Ferrari version of that!" I start wondering about humanity. Here, have a $11,600 whatever-the-shit-this-is:

Luxury Sex Machines
"For that kind of money, that thing had better fuck me ... oh. Never mind."

In many ways, Eros luxury sex machines manage to reach places ordinary sex toys can only dream of. Unfortunately, most of those places are mountains of madness and valleys of absurdity. You'll notice that it is designed for not one but two users. (If you're wondering about the logistics: One lies down and the other one straddles the high part. And no, they aren't really able to touch each other at all.) However, none of these awesome technological feats even attempt to answer the real question, which is: Why?

Absurd and amusing as they may be, I can kind of see the point of a single-person motorized sex chair. If you have money to burn and feel like getting one, more power to you. But why would you want a chair meant for two, assuming you don't produce highly specific niche porn on your off time? Sure, sometimes two people might want to have it at once, but even then, why on earth would your first (or any) course of action be to fire up a massive piece of dick furniture, the very design of which prevents any intimacy between the two partakers? If you're that detached about sex, why bother with the other person in the first place?

1

Actual Power Tool Sex Toys

Etsy

Look, we started this journey with fuckin' tools with power, and by God, we will end it with power tools for fuckin'. You knew what you signed for, and it's too late to back away now.

As most longtime Cracked readers know, the history of the world can be divided in two parts: The time before my fellow columnist Felix Clay irrevocably stained the world with his knowledge of drilldos and fucksaws, and the chaos that has presided ever since. But while most people reacted to the news that people are actually cutting their genitalia wide open with misapplied power tools with the exact, cringing terror one would expect, a few of us were all: "Nice! A business idea!" Then they hit Etsy.

And that, friend, is why power tool sex toy attachments are now a thing.

My Love Machine
Pros: You remove the saw blade before you start attaching fake boners into this. Cons: Everything else.

Yep, some fuckers are actually making boning adapters for electric drills and Sawzalls, under punny names like My Love Machine and Shagsall. At this point, I'd normally try to make the most of an awful thing and launch into a barrage of DIY-themed masturbation jokes. However, even that is not really an option. You will notice that most of these tools are specifically designed so that they are extremely difficult to operate if you're pointing the ouchy end towards yourself, which means that, once again, you're pretty much required to hand the reins of the action to someone else. How many people do you trust enough to take a Black & Decker to your pelvic region? Your significant other? Chad? Your mom? Nope. Also, eww. Not a single person in the world is trustworthy enough to do that, not even the people who enthusiastically suggest it to you. Especially not the people who would suggest it to you.

William Howell/iStock/Getty Images
Someone looked at this and thought, "That needs to be in me, sexually."

I'm not saying that everyone needs to bone the same way. That would be horrifying. Each and every one of us needs to find our own thing, and run with it as best we can, as long as it's not hurting anyone without an appointed safe word.

But if you need a goddamned reciprocating saw to do it, you're probably doing sex wrong.

Pauli is a Cracked columnist who knows all this because he lives under your bed. He has a Facebook and Twitter.

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For more from Pauli, check out 4 Terrifying Crimes (That We'll Never Solve) and 5 Accomplished Authors Who Turned Out To Be Hoaxes.