There's Way Too Much Creepy Body Abuse
More than once in my comedy career, I've taken on the challenge of addressing something heinous and utterly reprehensible while still trying to keep it light and entertaining, as is my duty. So with that in mind, lemme tell you a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the fuck away from the nurse who got caught having sex with a corpse.
As if all the other ways you could desecrate a body weren't bad enough, the number of people who abuse bodies for their own kicks is weirdly higher than it should be. As in, it should be none, and yet there's something. That nurse, who was caught by the husband of the deceased in the act, is just the tip of the necro-creep iceberg. A worker at a Toledo funeral home was convicted of sexually abusing a corpse after he was deemed to have treated the body in a way that would "outrage reasonable community sensibilities." You don't want to know what that means explicitly, and may be more outraged to learn it's only worth a year in jail.
A morgue worker, also in Ohio, admitted in 2014 to having sex with over 100 corpses between 1976 and 1992, because every garbage fire has to have a fuel source, and it's apparently this man's soul. The worker would get drunk or high and abuse the bodies, and other staff even knew about it. It only came to light when one of his victims, who had been murdered, was examined and the worker's DNA was recovered. Since the actual murderer hadn't raped her, police needed to track down who did. The rest is skin-crawlingly gross history.
Over in Russia, morgue workers take their bone-chilling atrocities into the big time, like the worker who decided to befoul a reality TV star who had been murdered. Her body had been exhumed after police were unable to find her killer, and instead they discovered forensic evidence from a morgue worker whose only punishment for necrophilia was being asked to resign, since it's apparently not any more illegal there than meddling in another country's election.
Cheapskates And Thieves Will Try To Make A Buck Off Your Corpse
There are a lot of victimless crimes a person can commit, like pooping on your neighbor's lawn or pirating a movie you ended up not liking. Maybe it's from some misplaced sense of cosmic justice that people think it's OK to commit certain acts if no one really suffers for it that they can see at the time. Which is why, every so often, someone tries to pull a fast one on a corpse. It's not like a dead guy's complaining if you steal his gold fillings, right? Incidentally, that happens. People steal gold fillings from the dead. And that may be the least of your posthumous concerns.
For example, cemetery owner Jemar Lambert allegedly figured he could save money by burying a bunch of people in the same plot of land, stacking them on top of each other like a decomposing Connect Four. Lambert's cemetery was running short on space, so when he wasn't putting together bodies like short stacks of pancakes, he was apparently just cramming them in wherever he could find a few square feet of space, whether he owned the land or not. That ended up getting him ten years of probation.
Workers at Illinois' historical Burr Oak Cemetery tried a similar cost-cutting method when they simply dug people up, tossed out the tombstones, and sold the spaces all over again. They ended up being convicted of desecrating bodies, because most people in society aren't on board with treating human remains the same way you'd treat tree stumps.
While people stacking bodies or reusing plots of land could be considered lazy descrators, there are more proactive ghouls in the world as well. A human body is a gold mine to the right person, and you're just going to throw it away like expired deli ham? Not funeral home owner Michael Francis Brown. He realized medical research was a booming industry that had a serious supply and demand issue. How do the doctors and scientists of tomorrow learn what your brain looks like if there aren't enough brains to go around? He stepped in to fix that issue by chopping up the bodies that he was supposed to be burying, and selling them literally piece by piece for scientific research, without actually obtaining consent to do so.
Now, how does a guy like Brown get the idea to sell off body parts like they were tamales at a ballgame, which may or may not be a thing that happens outside of TV shows I saw in the '80s? He could have been inspired by the LA coroner's office, which was caught selling the corneas of literally thousands of bodies to an eye bank without obtaining consent from families.
Canadian morticians, who you'd think would be all "So sorry for your loss, allow us to bathe the dearly departed in maple poutine," may be even worse, if these shenanigans from Calgary are any indication. These shifty bastards sold expensive caskets to families, and then swapped them for cheap ones for cremation so they could resell the expensive ones. The husband and wife duo were charged together, and the husband copped a plea to fraud to drop all the other charges, which included cutting the finger off of a body so they could steal a ring. That's some low-class shit right there.
So I say again: When it comes time to die, just arrange an explosion. It will save everyone a lot of trouble, and the kids will love it.
Uh, were y'all aware you can just buy toe tags for bodies? Yikes.
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For more, check out 5 Horrific Things You See Collecting Dead People As A Job and 5 Horrifying Truths About Funeral Homes (From An Undertaker).
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