It's not just your hands that are being left encrusted with globules of funk; it's your face hole too. You're supposed to brush your teeth for a solid two minutes at least twice a day, for an epic 240 seconds per day. The average is somewhere between 45 and 70 seconds. And it'd maybe make sense if people were asking us to spend an hour on oral hygiene -- that seems daunting -- but two minutes? Think of how much time you spend on social media or shoving corn in your neighbor's tailpipe. There's room for two minutes.
We even sleep in filth, because apparently laundry is modern humanity's equivalent of toiling for 40 years in the desert, and f**k that right in its ear. Experts -- not just in sweating in bed, but in science stuff like microbiology -- suggest washing your sheets once a week. And your pillowcase should be getting cleaned every other day. Why? Because you're a gross, leaky goo bag. You produce 26 gallons of sweat a year, much of which is currently steeped in your bed, making your mattress into a sloughed flesh and microfiber teabag. Your pillow very likely contains anywhere from four to 16 different species of fungus. You're sleeping in a goddamn mushroom jungle.
A solid third of respondents in one survey changed their sheets once every two weeks. 37 percent of 18-24-year-olds only did it once a month. Only one third of people said they did it once a week, meaning the vast majority of beds in the world are just sweaty ass wafers waiting to glurge all up on you.