5 Idiotic Misconceptions About Calling Customer Service

something that spells out all the finer points of what you just signed up for. And I'm not talking about the 78-page owner's manual that comes with the phone. I'm talking about the one to two pages that have every facet of your plan laid out in easy to digest bullet points. If people had half a brain, they would read this shit before they agree to anything. But that doesn't happen, does it? Who has time to read up on international roaming charges when all of those life-changing photo booth apps are just waiting to be downloaded?

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Pictured: The only reason to own a smartphone.

So let me ask you, the potential customers in this scenario: If you're handed paperwork that says using your phone in Canada will cost you more than North Korea spends on parades in a year and you fail to read it, whose fault is it when you come back from Canada with a $5,000 phone bill? Right, it's your fault. You had the information there in front of you and chose to ignore it in favor of tracking down the wackiest ringtone you could find. But you're going to call and complain anyway. Why? Because the customer is always right! Except that's a lie. The customer is not always right. Not in the scenario I just mentioned, and not in countless other situations. Recently, in England, some dude was kicked out of a bar for refusing to put his cigarette out. Was he right to refuse this request, even though he was in a nonsmoking establishment? Furthermore, was he right when he returned later and started chasing the other bar patrons around

with a fucking chainsaw as a means to express his displeasure? Is that customer right? Yes, if you take "The customer is always right" literally, he's totally in the right.

Ditto for the McNugget rage lady.

And people do take it literally. That's why, even when they know that whatever disaster they're calling about is the result of their own idiocy, they call and complain anyway. And you know what? Even when you're clearly in the wrong, you still might get the help you're looking for. Which brings us to the next misconception ...

customer service is on your side. You think you hate it when your insurance or cable company raises your rates? Imagine how the people who have to take the resulting deluge of angry phone calls feel about it. Trust me, those increases aren't going toward giving them big raises and fat bonus checks. The only thing your higher bill gives a customer service rep is a tension headache from being screamed at all day and an overwhelming urge to get blackout drunk.

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"How can I help you propel me toward a debilitating addiction today?"

So, they get it. You're both on the same team. You have a problem with a company that in all likelihood they hate more personally and intimately than you ever could. Of course, I can't speak for customer service reps in India or the Philippines, because I've never worked in an overseas call center. But I'm assuming they just hate America in general, like the rest of the world. So you should still have them in your pocket. It's fine to go into a customer service call with somewhat of a battlefield mentality. But just understand, that customer service rep who hates the company they work for can be your ally on that battlefield. But they probably won't be, and that will be all your fault. Why? Because there's one rule of calling customer service that just about every asshole on the planet lives by ...

your boss? Do you and your co-workers huddle around the break room and sing your boss's praises, or do you think your boss is some far less funny version of Bill Lumberg from Office Space who wouldn't know his head from his ass and most certainly couldn't step in and do your job competently in your absence? Right, it's probably the latter. Hell, half the reason I took this job at Cracked is because it's literally the first time I've had a boss who I trust to be better at my job than I am (remember this sentence come Christmas bonus time, Jack).

Please, not again.

Customer service reps feel the same way about their bosses as you do about yours, and they're usually right. Whatever you're calling about, that customer service rep has probably dealt with the exact same problem on dozens of other phone calls. Meanwhile, their supervisor sits in a cubicle and monitors how much downtime each employee takes between calls so they can justify giving them a 2 percent raise instead of a 3 percent raise, thereby ensuring the department they're in charge of comes in under budget for the year. Even if they got that job by being the very best customer service rep in all the land, their days of actually taking phone calls regularly have long since passed. By not even entertaining the idea of telling the person who answered the phone what your problem is, you're basically ensuring that your call gets handed off to a person who is less knowledgeable about how to fix it. They will figure it out eventually, but not as quickly as the person who deals with horseshit like yours hundreds of times per day.

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"Sounds like you just need to plug it in."

Granted, there may come a time in any phone call when a supervisor will need to get involved, but the customer service rep will know when that time has come. If you can manage to keep things pleasant or at least somewhat businesslike, they'll just put you on hold and go ask that supervisor for the OK to do whatever it is you need done. I really can't stress this enough: Not being a dick is your best move when dealing not only with customer service representatives, but just people in general. And besides, if you immediately demand a supervisor and actually get one, what you've essentially done is identified yourself as a jackass. Except now, you're talking to a person who has no fear of repercussions for not helping you. If you at least give it a shot with the actual customer service rep at first, you can use the "transfer me to a supervisor" ploy as a backup. But if you

start with the supervisor, who do you think is going to take your phone call above them if you don't get the help you're looking for? Wait, are you one of those people who asks to talk to "the company president" when things get out of hand? If so, just a heads up, everyone in that company now thinks you're hilarious. They don't even get to talk to the company president, and they fucking work there. But hey, you always have that one nuclear option in your pocket, right? You know what I'm talking about ...