Does this knowledge sink my chances of ever convincing Nicki or Jessica to go to the waterslide with me? Well, obviously.
Of course, there are always other options for water fun ...
Beaches Are Living Weapons Designed To Destroy Us All
If the water park sucks, then surely family fun time can be had at the beach, right? It's like a water park, only with more sharks. Well put on your helmet, because I'm dropping truth coconuts from the tree of enlightenment here. For instance, did you know that a beach is like a water park, only with more sharks? Fuuuuuccckkk!
I'm not going to scaremonger you with shark attack statistics, because you have a better chance of being attacked by me than you do by a shark, and I'll goddamn do it, too. But I and sharks aren't the only things you have to worry about at the beach. How do you like flesh-eating bacteria? Less than you like eating ham, I bet. A lady at Myrtle Beach up and got herself munched by that necrotizing doucheteria this summer, and she blamed the beach water, which must have been some foul shit for that to happen. The beach says no way, man, we don't let our beach eat people anymore. But she did get the bacteria somewhere, so right now, it's a mystery.
Makes you wonder why I'd even include it in this terroromedy article of mine, since it's one unproven case. And that's exactly my point! If you knew, at least you could say, "Well shit, let's not go to the beach today, it ate grandma." But you don't know. No one knows. So maybe the day at the beach is fun and frolic and splashing each other, or maybe it's fun and frolic and you splash each other until your eye comes out of your fucking face in a torrent of blood and you scream, "Oh my god what's happening there's brains in the water how the fuck do we get out of here gaaaaahhh!"
I'm not here to judge your brand of family fun. I'm just here to suggest that Russian Roulette is a shitty way to bond with Mom and Dad. And that's just the tip of the iceberg that's going to sink your boat and leave you adrift in sea full of flesh-eating bacteria and jellyfish. Did you know jellyfish are the dickheads of the sea, and around 150 million people a year are exposed to them? 500,000 people are stung annually in the Chesapeake Bay alone. Another 200,000 per year just in Florida. Because beaches are watery portals to a Lovecraftian dimension of pain and vacationers.
If you're confident that you're beaching yourself away from bacteria and more complex multi-celled organisms, you're forgetting that the water itself also wants you so dead. Last year, U.S. lifeguards performed 88,000 rescues and gave medical aid to 343,300 people. Not all of them drove to the beach with lungs full of water or massive coral wounds in their feet. Basically, what I'm saying is fuck the beach. Before it fucks you!
Instead of contributing to animal abuse, you can get this guy and give him a hug or dance around with him or whatever you do--look, we're not going to judge. You can also donate to your local wildlife preserve. Those generous people and wonderful animals deserve it!
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