The moment I saw monkey nuts resting on my moonroof, I started popping out donut holes like a dealer doling out molly at a simian rave. A solid dozen monkeys were munching away on donuts I had irresponsibly provided for them. And I would have felt bad for this, if not for the fact that I was probably giving the monkeys some of the healthiest food they had at that moment.
Everyone was feeding those goddamn monkeys ... and I mean everyone. "Do you mean a large portion of the people, Ian?" Fuck no, I mean everyone! I saw monkeys running with Oreos, vanilla wafers, half a sandwich, and a small bottle of Mountain Dew. Who the fuck gives Mountain Dew to a monkey? Why didn't I think of that?
No one respects the rules at the safari. I rolled my window down and snapped some photos of a rhino, fully aware that had it wanted to, it could have flipped my ass over while I was still in my car and stomped me into a thin paste, then eaten the paste and shit me over by the giraffes, where I would have fertilized the trees, which the giraffes would then eat before shitting me out again, making me history's first double-shat safari fatality.
A safari ride is a pretense for abusing nature under the guise of doing it a favor. No, you shouldn't give your dog tequila and tiramisu, but maybe you do sometimes, and that's OK. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Please do not give your dog tequila and tiramisu. It is not OK.] But those monkeys shouldn't be eating donuts and drinking Mountain Dew, even though they really seemed happy doing it, except for the one that pissed right on my window. But I couldn't see his expression, so who knows, maybe he was stoked too.
It took me maybe ten minutes to roll through the monkey part of the safari, but that shit's open for hours a day for the whole of the summer. Those monkeys basically live the life of a modern college student minus the beer, and that's only a guess on my part. If someone's tossing out the Dew, maybe a Bud or two gets put into the mix as well. I paid to not only watch, but also to be a part of the most bizarrely extensive kind of mildly hilarious animal neglect ever. And I got a souvenir cup.