The moment I saw monkey nuts resting on my moonroof, I started popping out donut holes like a dealer doling out molly at a simian rave. A solid dozen monkeys were munching away on donuts I had irresponsibly provided for them. And I would have felt bad for this, if not for the fact that I was probably giving the monkeys some of the healthiest food they had at that moment.
Everyone was feeding those goddamn monkeys ... and I mean everyone. "Do you mean a large portion of the people, Ian?" f**k no, I mean everyone! I saw monkeys running with Oreos, vanilla wafers, half a sandwich, and a small bottle of Mountain Dew. Who the f**k gives Mountain Dew to a monkey? Why didn't I think of that?
No one respects the rules at the safari. I rolled my window down and snapped some photos of a rhino, fully aware that had it wanted to, it could have flipped my ass over while I was still in my car and stomped me into a thin paste, then eaten the paste and s**t me over by the giraffes, where I would have fertilized the trees, which the giraffes would then eat before shitting me out again, making me history's first double-shat safari fatality.
A safari ride is a pretense for abusing nature under the guise of doing it a favor. No, you shouldn't give your dog tequila and tiramisu, but maybe you do sometimes, and that's OK. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Please do not give your dog tequila and tiramisu. It is not OK.] But those monkeys shouldn't be eating donuts and drinking Mountain Dew, even though they really seemed happy doing it, except for the one that pissed right on my window. But I couldn't see his expression, so who knows, maybe he was stoked too.
It took me maybe ten minutes to roll through the monkey part of the safari, but that s**t's open for hours a day for the whole of the summer. Those monkeys basically live the life of a modern college student minus the beer, and that's only a guess on my part. If someone's tossing out the Dew, maybe a Bud or two gets put into the mix as well. I paid to not only watch, but also to be a part of the most bizarrely extensive kind of mildly hilarious animal neglect ever. And I got a souvenir cup.