We're moving toward an entirely delivery-based economy, in which you can have everything you need to live a sad, sedentary life brought right to your door. This also means millions of people are getting roped into delivery jobs. Now, the vast majority of them are no doubt upstanding citizens. But there's a no doubt small segment of them who, well, let's just say you probably do not want them touching your stuff or knowing your address.
What do you fear most when you go out to eat, aside from simply being around other people in the Thunderdome terrarium known as "Earth"? It's that someone in the kitchen is doing something gross to your food, of course. And so it's with a heavy heart that I must tell you that Tennessee delivery guy Howard Webb and another man in the car filmed a 14-second clip of Webb dipping his ballbag in a customer's salsa.
"But you promised me bodily fluids in the food!" you complain. "Nut sweat doesn't count for that!" OK, fine. Another driver from ... let me check here ... also Tennessee (maybe consider cooking your own dinner next time you're in Memphis) was caught pissing in some soup, and by "caught" I mean he also recorded himself doing it. In case you thought this was a distinctly American/Tennessee thing, a pizza delivery guy in Turkey was sentenced to prison after getting filmed spitting on a customer's pizza.
Are these three examples extremely rare isolated incidents? We don't know! We only know about these because the perpetrators were dumb enough to do it on video. Aside from anonymous confessions on the internet, if you can't detect the subtle taste of balls in your food, then you'll simply never know. Maybe we'll all sleep better if we just decide this is a one-in-a-million thing.
I'm going to say with confidence that this one is much more common than the balls thing. Delivery people from services like UberEats apparently eat part or all of a customer's meal just so damn often. Delivery drivers called into an Australian radio show en masse to share the tales of how much of your dinner they eat. Some of them even listed their favorite restaurants to steal food from, in case you want to treat your driver to the good stuff.
This is partly due to a flaw in the system, because Uber is kind of a terrible company that doesn't give many shits about anything. One writer detailed their apparently common ordeal. Say you order a big, fat-ass burrito at midnight. You wait for your order to arrive, and the app tells you the driver is on the way. The app shows them passing right by your place ... and then the order is updated as being canceled. No food for you!
Uber will then say the driver encountered a problem, and the restaurant will say the driver couldn't find or contact you. In such cases, it's up to the driver to decide what to do with the food, and it appears they're just eating that shit, because UberEats pays starvation-level wages. Since Uber literally needs no real proof of a problem at all, a driver can get away with a free meal while you spend the night burrito-less, which is misery.
There are actual forums in which Uber drivers talk about running this scam. So next time you think your UberEats order is a little light, rest easy knowing that at least it was enjoyed by someone.
As a delivery driver on a relentless nightmare of a work schedule, you and your bladder are constantly at odds. However, pulling out your horn and rocking a piss isn't exactly conducive to your requirement of "Get everyone what they ordered, all the time, as fast as possible." So where you do you finally give in to peeing? On your customer's property, it seems.
An Amazon driver in Utah was seen dropping off some packages and then heading to the fence to heed nature's call. It was caught on the homeowner's security camera, and also by the homeowner himself, who watched through a basement window. A pizza guy -- whom the media was happy to tell us was from Flushing, Queens -- was caught on elevator cameras pissing in a corner. Why do most elevators smell like piss? People piss in them. Now you know!
In the UK, you'd hope that fancy accent would make people more civilized, but all hope will get you is a delivery driver pissing on your house. That's what happened to a guy in Cardiff when he ordered some Domino's and the driver power washed his house when he was done. The homeowner said he would have gladly let the driver use the washroom, but we all know that's a lie. The only time you'd let a delivery person into your bathroom is when you're about to kill and eat them.
But no one was more committed to really delivering the wrong package than the Amazon driver who was caught on camera dropping a deuce in a bag outside a customer's house, then wiping his ass with those "Hey, we tried!" cards they leave in your door when you don't answer. This story is full of delightful details, like how the homeowner's son let him know there was a delivery driver squatting outside. Then the homeowner himself lamented how he could have contracted Hep C and died. And finally, Amazon sent two people out to fetch the bag of shit and bring it home. This should be a movie!
You've likely seen funny viral videos of delivery guys throwing packages around carelessly. That's one side benefit of a world encrusted with surveillance cameras. Well, it turns out some take their package abuse a little more seriously than others.
For instance, if you live on the second floor, there's apparently a chance that the delivery guy is simply going to hurl up your package like he's trying to invent a new Olympic sport. Here's a video of a guy standing on top of the delivery van to repeatedly try to chuck the package up to a balcony. He fails, tries again, misses, and then finally gets it on the third attempt. Your perseverance is an inspiration, sir.
Here's another video of a different guy doing the exact same thing. Surely these are the only two examples of it ever happening, though.
Kicking boxes is also a valid tactic. Take the Kansas City FedEx driver who decided to just literally kick his shit to the curb. Things escalated a bit more for a Seattle-area UPS driver who was caught on camera hurling everything out of his truck and then doing "a drop kick" on one of his packages. Hey, that's why we use packing material, right?
But no box-abusing delivery person has yet to top a Miami-area Amazon driver who was fired after video surfaced of him not throwing a package per se, but rather targeting a puppy and using the package he was delivering as a projectile. The dude dropped a huge box right on a dog, is what I'm trying to say.
Getting stalked by a delivery driver sounds like the plot of a slasher movie from 2003 that no one remembers, but it really happens, and it really happens way too frequently. Like to a woman in Britain who ordered some food through the Just Eat app, whose driver decided to take the opportunity to be the worst person ever. Because drivers get your phone number so they can call about the delivery, this guy started texting the woman after he dropped off her food.
He texted that he was a fan and asked if she had a boyfriend. He wanted to know because he wasn't there to make trouble; he just wanted "to make friends in the end." Which somehow makes it grosser. He capped the message with a "goodnight bby" and a kiss emoji, because of fucking course he did. On the bright side, though, Just Eat takes creepy behavior super seriously, so they offered her $8! Then, when she complained some more, they "broke protocol" and upped the offer to $16! Easy there, Just Eat. Don't bankrupt yourself.
A Papa John's driver did a similar thing, not realizing that while it was a woman who answered the door, a man had ordered the food. So he kept texting the man's phone, outing himself as a creep as he asked for "her" Snapchat and talked about sending her pics later on. What kind of pics? You know what kind of pics.
In Indiana, another Papa John's driver started texting the family's 15-year-old daughter after dropping off the pie. The tales only get more vulgar from there, like the grocery delivery guy from the UK who dropped off some food then promptly requested a blowjob via text.
Then there are the ones who aren't looking for sex, but vengeance (you can decide for yourself which is more alarming). A customer in Toronto got a deluge of messages from a driver for Pizza Pizza after he broke the "40 minutes or free" barrier. He went on a rant about how the customer needs to reassess her life if she's scamming free pizzas from hardworking small business owners, and then called her fat, drawing right from Page 1 of the Shitty Dudes Playbook.
No delivery is truly complete, though, unless the driver hand writes a rambling four-page threat because you stiffed them on a tip. A Southern California Postmates driver waited an entire week to threaten a customer about his missing $4, saying that he would rob her if it happened again and talking about how if he was a woman, he could get all the free drugs he wanted if he'd just "whip out my tits and/or shake my booty." He also referenced bleeding out of his ass and the fact that he was high, so clearly he wasn't in his right mind. But still, good to know people like this have your address.
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We will continue to see one of the most common (and lamest) storytelling tropes for a long time.
Businesses still have no idea how to market themselves to women.
We're moving toward an entirely delivery-based economy ... but there may be some people you WON'T want knowing your address.
How exactly do you get gigs like these?