I wish this wasn't the case. I wish I had the grip strength combined with the upper-body strength to not just lay waste to phone books (ask your parents what those used to be, young readers) but to tiny plastic satchels. But I don't. Humankind's ingenuity has made me a fool in the face of barely there shiny polymers.
A sealed bag is your friend in the kitchen because that seal is holding in freshness. When that seal is broken, your fresh food hurls like a comet toward shitty staleness and butt flavor. So I get it. You get it. We all get it. And if we all get it, someone tell me who the fuck invented these little red sticky ties, like an asinine ribbon of tape stuck to itself around the top of a bag, usually containing some kind of bread product, that can never be undone by any alchemical process known to man?
The only way to circumvent these preposterous sticky ties is to jam a knife behind one and slice it in twain, much the same way you'd dispatch rebels who found their way from the jungle into your secure compound. We mean business, fuckers.
I leave crumbs behind as a warning to the other loaves.
Slicing it open is fine and all, but now you've got not only a busted tie but a hole in your bag. A hole through which freshness will bubble forth like precious oxygen being lost into space because someone left the screen door open.
In 1961 a guy named Charles Burford started using twist ties to close up bags of bread to help keep them fresh. The twist tie, a simple metal wire with a paper coating, is easy to tie and untie and is about as versatile as all get-out. It was invented in 1961! Put it on your bags! This shitty sticky plastic tie is usable one time and then ruins the bag. It's just volatile and horrible and infuriating in every way. And also less environmentally friendly than a twist tie. Metal and paper can biodegrade. That shit heel red plastic sticky tie? That's going to be sitting in the ground forever making everyone angry.
Twist ties, on the other hand, make me just as excited as this bread.
Is it shameful that I am so often bested by packaging? That I am so frustrated that I was motivated to write an entire article on the subject? No. This is a public service. This is for your benefit as much as mine. Don't you bend over and let the packaging industry penetrate you with plastic bumblefuckery. Demand better for yourself and for all of us. Demand paper that can be easily torn or shit that has a little strip you can tear. Or those plastic boxes they pack croissants in with the little nubby buttons you can push to lock and unlock. That shit's clever.
Learn more about packaging in 5 Reasons Packages Get Destroyed (Learned Working At UPS) and If Product Packaging Had To Tell The Terrifying Truth.
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