First, the Americans resettled the Seminoles to a new reservation in Florida. Then, right when the Seminoles had just gotten their stuff unpacked and had their USB cords set up the way they wanted them, America suddenly decided that they wanted that land as well, and told the tribe to fuck off to Oklahoma. Seriously America, we all appreciate you inventing the Internet and the breakfast burrito and everything, but that shit isn't cool.
The Seminoles were as pissed as anyone would be about being forced to move to Oklahoma, and in 1835 they revolted, teaming up with escaped slaves, known as Black Seminoles, who had been living alongside the tribe for decades. Did I mention that one Seminole technique during the uprising was to destroy slave-owning plantations and then recruit the freed slaves for their army? Shit, the only thing missing from this potential script is a bunch of dragons.
What We Got Instead
Look, I know many people enjoyed Avatar for its visual effects and 3-D and whatever. I know that some people even forgave it for using Papyrus font in its posters. But it was also praised as a metaphor for America's past oppression of Native Americans, and it could have done this so much better.
Instead of a race of made-up space kittens mind-raping animals and showing off their weird, non-mammalian lady-breasts, we could have had a movie about Native Americans teaming up with escaped slaves to fight genuinely oppressive people in a way that in no way involved anyone mentioning the word "unobtanium." Sure, there might have been less visually impressive space stuff, but you could make up for that by putting in a few scenes of bad guys getting comically eaten by alligators.
You probably already know of the War of 1812, the conflict between America and Britain that has won the Most Boring War Name competition for 200 years in a row. But have you considered just how neglected this war is when it comes to pop culture? The conflict has everything that makes a good movie: dramatic Naval battles fought on Lake Erie! Evil British troops burning the White House! The composition of "The Star-Spangled Banner"! An oppressive, war-triggering treaty called the Non-Intercourse Act!
Michael Blann/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Above: What the outside of a military recruitment office would look like after the passage of a Non-Intercourse Act.
Well, you say, the reason nobody makes movies about the War of 1812 is because technically America lost. Well, we lost Vietnam as well, and that didn't stop Hollywood churning out a trillion movies about that. Is it because during the war, America lost so many important battles to Canada? It's because America lost to Canada, isn't it?
What We Got Instead
We did get a movie set in the War of 1812 back in 1958, but it was heavily fictionalized, concentrated mainly on a pirate, and wasn't very good:
Via Olive Films
Now, think how much happier everyone in America would be if we stopped repressing our historical shame and making fake pirate movies, and instead just admitted that we lost against Canada that one time. No more of the deep-seated psychological complexes that make people compulsively crack jokes about hockey and health insurance. A new era of peace could begin, and all because of the release of War of 1812: Maple Kill-Up.
C. Coville's funny book, One-Star Reviews, is available on Amazon right now!
For more from C. Coville, check out 4 Mind-Blowing Theories About Famous Lines in the Bible. And then check out 54 Great Movies Combined Into 27 AMAZING Scenes.
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