The 5 Worst Places to Go for Online Sex Advice

Let the humping commence!

Now why is being able to say no to a woman so important? Because it represents “something she's instinctively wanted since she realized she's female: A MAN SHE COULD NEVER HOPE TO CONTROL.” For real, the original quote is all in caps.

Chapter six of this particular eBook is entitled “How to Fake Like You Are Warm and Friendly”--which is a good indicator this guide is mostly aimed at sociopaths. The gist of the entire chapter is to treat women like they’re special. Oh man, what a ruse! After, you can return to your lair and twirl your caught-in-the-throes-of-puberty mustache while plotting ways to steal candy from children and make the sauce at the Arby’s where you work a little more special.

As an added bonus, the book goes on to list these sure fire ways to get laid like crazy.

• Practice the Pledge of Allegiance in a friendly voice
• Steal photos of actresses or place an ad in the paper for a fake modeling gig to get photos and go through them at restaurants pretending you make movies
• Tell women they’re pretty
• Use this awesome line “"My name's ________. By what name are you called, you shining example of genetic perfection?"

Of course, the author recognizes that not all women will fall for catchy lines like that and may zing you with this acerbic retort: “I’m really not interested in meeting you.” Did your balls just shrivel a little? Probably. But don’t worry! There are some handy replies you can use, like “Chill out, skirt!” Holy shit, you showed her! Her vagina is probably going to fall off now.

Naturally, the book continues on to explain how to seduce women with hypnosis--but by this point, unless you have a number of restraining orders against you, it’s not really worth reading any longer.

Despite the overuse of cornstarch and tears, good, wholesome Christians apparently want to engage in coitus as much as the next person. The problem is many Christians don’t know how to reconcile their bonerous desires with years of scrunching their eyes tight and desperately asking the Lord to quiet their quivering loins, and help them suppress the psychokinetic abilities caused by menstruation.

Christian Answers is a site designed to help you get the Lord and your hard-on reading from the same page. And it’s pretty much as uncomfortable as that statement makes it seem.

Helpfully available in Hungarian as well as English, Christian Answers can let you know some basic sex info, as well as cluing you into what God thinks about your debauchery. For instance, what are the consequences of sexual immorality? The answer: Bringing great pleasure to Satan. Yes, apparently every time you give someone a reach around, Satan high fives a buddy.

This information doesn’t particularly tell you how to please your wife or give you the secret to a healthy marriage. It does, however, reassure you that any time from here on out when you whip out your wang, the source of all evil in existence is not only watching, he’s loving it. You are the Devil’s Porn. Have fun enjoying that sob-saturated handjob now.

This is a site in the vein of that Mystery character--which is to say it is designed by and for the sorts of guys who kept bugs as pets when they were kids and now feel like the world, and women in particular, owe them something. This is because they’re “fucktarded.” (A diagnosis my certification as a clinical Internet sex expert makes binding. I can also prescribe shutting the fuck up, and am required to do everything with attitude, a foul mouth and while wearing an earring.)

In their efforts to help you score any woman you want, the site assures you that you need to be a badass dude with a commanding sexual presence. How do you pull that off? Follow me here:

• Long handshake
• Eye contact
• Order coffee with a sexual subtext

I only went to school for Philosophy, so most days I have to strain to think, but I’m having trouble cracking that last nutshell to get to the deliciousness within.

Lest you think that one line is the only nonsensical mind turd they've lobbed at the Web, they offer up things like “Don’t make a girl do something she doesn’t want to do - she should feel great doing even the most 'dirty' things.” Which basically means she’s still going to do it, just convince her she likes it. This is also known in some circles as “You’re Not a Raper, You’re Just Enthusiastic.”

As a fun twist, the site also has tips for ladies, a category of humanity it should be obvious by now these folks are clearly unqualified to speak to. Like this bit on the wonders of that mysterious position from the east known as doggystyle: “It’s the position of choice for 99 percent of the animal kingdom, which means our biosystems are innately keyed into that pose.” Did you hear that? Your DNA or your nervous system or some shit is just begging to be bent over. It’s science, people. And when the science of getting railed tells you something's natural, you'd better listen. Otherwise, that nerd who hyperventilates every time you talk to him might be forced to make you do something you don't want to.

Possibly the greatest contribution Ask Men offers comes not from an article on sexual angles, but one on a serious issue we all will face sometime: how can you subtlety tell your girlfriend she’s a fatass? They wrote a top 10 list to cover this. Tips include buying her too-small clothes, feeding her smaller portions and playfully grabbing her love handles. Later you can sit on the porch swing while she churns the butter and beat your children for talking back to you. Or you can go with their number three tip of sabotaging her chair. See, once you remove a few screws, she’ll sit and the chair will break, allowing her to realize to what Shrekian proportions she’s grown. Never once does the article mention what to do if your girlfriend punches you in the throat as a result of any of this.