Like this, if he wrote articles about dildos
In their efforts to help you score any woman you want, the site assures you that you need to be a badass dude with a commanding sexual presence. How do you pull that off? Follow me here:
- Long handshake
- Eye contact
- Order coffee with a sexual subtext
I only went to school for Philosophy, so most days I have to strain to think, but IÂm having trouble cracking that last nutshell to get to the deliciousness within.
Lest you think that one line is the only nonsensical mind turd they've lobbed at the Web, they offer up things like ÂDonÂt make a girl do something she doesnÂt want to do - she should feel great doing even the most 'dirty' things. Which basically means sheÂs still going to do it, just convince her she likes it. This is also known in some circles as ÂYouÂre Not a Raper, YouÂre Just Enthusiastic.Â
We've been violated, huzzah!
As a fun twist, the site also has tips for ladies, a category of humanity it should be obvious by now these folks are clearly unqualified to speak to. Like this bit on the wonders of that mysterious position from the east known as doggystyle: ÂItÂs the position of choice for 99 percent of the animal kingdom, which means our biosystems are innately keyed into that pose. Did you hear that? Your DNA or your nervous system or some shit is just begging to be bent over. ItÂs science, people. And when the science of getting railed tells you something's natural, you'd better listen. Otherwise, that nerd who hyperventilates every time you talk to him might be forced to make you do something you don't want to.
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Men's Lifestyle Websites
"MenÂs lifestyle" websites are distinct from womenÂs lifestyle websites in that there are more long lists of hot women and very few references to heavy flow. Yes, the differences between the sexes are remarkable. But sometimes the men at a Men's Lifestyle websites will ask women to tell you about sex. Somehow these women always end up telling you exactly what you want to hear, almost like their jobs depend on it.
An engaging piece about anal sex at one Men's Lifestyle site uses phrases like Âthe tang of taboo, Âthe rectum, once itÂs ready, literally swallows the penis up and canÂt get enough and Âthe back passage transforms itself into a sexual playground to let you know that women think anal sex feels good. Except for when it causes Âcold sweats, shivers, extreme agony and a massive chemical release into the blood stream that causes pain. But if you get past that, itÂs as cool as Batman fighting a shark. With a lightsaber.
Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes the Internet
You might think their list of Â8 Bizarre Sex Tips would be full of warnings about the sorts of strange sex tips you'd read on Cracked.com until you realize they really want you to try these things. This is especially bad news for women, since tip number eight is to do her at right angles. They had to resort to math to finish out their list on sex. Math. And not even sexy math like calculus. Geometry. No one ever got laid because of geometry. And no one should get laid with it. ItÂs a small step from having sex at right angles to trying to figure out if a train leaves Boston traveling west at 100-mph and another train leaves Seattle traveling east at 120-mph, is a handjob in a Wal-Mart changing room a good idea?
I swear I won't peek. Start fappin'.
Possibly the greatest contribution Ask Men offers comes not from an article on sexual angles, but one on a serious issue we all will face sometime: how can you subtlety tell your girlfriend sheÂs a fatass? They wrote a top 10 list to cover this. Tips include buying her too-small clothes, feeding her smaller portions and playfully grabbing her love handles. Later you can sit on the porch swing while she churns the butter and beat your children for talking back to you. Or you can go with their number three tip of sabotaging her chair. See, once you remove a few screws, sheÂll sit and the chair will break, allowing her to realize to what Shrekian proportions sheÂs grown. Never once does the article mention what to do if your girlfriend punches you in the throat as a result of any of this.
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Seduction-Chronicles.net
This method of picking up women was pioneered by a man named David DeAngelo who seriously believes that the key to meeting women is to insult them. And while itÂs true that you can meet people that way, but you could also meet them by popping a squat on their foot.
See, by insulting them, perhaps by saying her pants look like a five-pound sack jammed full of 10-pounds of ass, youÂre demonstrating that youÂre an alpha male who is completely unintimidated by her beauty. In fact, the way she looks is so boring to you, to amuse yourself you need to insult her or risk hurtling headfirst into a coma of boredom. How could she resist?
The best part about this method is that, even if it works, youÂre still an asshole. Not a lot of guys are willing to commit to that, so this is for hardcore playas only.
Too high on smack to even know what "misanthrope" means.
DeAngelo himself says in a video that he spent years trying to figure out how to date women and read all the books and went to all the seminars. Did you ever do that in an effort to get a date? Probably not, unless youÂre crazier than a shithouse rat and so socially maladjusted you view women in the same detached way hunters track deer.
DeAngelo also espouses being Âcocky and funny which is awesome because I write Internet comedy and own a rooster. Normally I hate to borrow other peopleÂs material, but man, check out some of these hilarious lines that are guaranteed to pick up ladies:
- ÂItÂs tough to be such a sex symbol.Â
- ÂSo do you always go around dressed like a hooker?Â
- ÂI like your shoes. I bet they looked great when they were new.Â
ItÂs like Dane Cook and Wilt Chamberlain just fucked on my desk and gave birth to those three hilarious and sexified bullet points. In fact, I just had sex twice while I was typing them out and I donÂt even know how or with whom.
Ian Fortey
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