4

Overreacting to Non-Plagiarism

Twitter has a real plagiarism problem. There have been people (who I will in no way publicize by speaking directly of) who have actually amassed a large number of followers by simply stealing funny tweets from others. Again, it's a mystery. Who would hate themselves so much that they would want to be told they're funny for someone else's jokes? I don't know, but it happens, and it is genuinely annoying, even if the theft isn't as important as someone stealing a song or screenplay. And people on Twitter take such theft very seriously, too. Twitter even has an entire policy and process for dealing with the problem.

3

Using Long-Dead Joke Constructions

No one tells Polish jokes anymore. No one tells dead baby jokes. No one tells what's-grosser-than-gross jokes anymore. Those were all staples of my youth (I was raised in a fake doggy doo manufacturing plant). But jokes, much like the brown liquid rubber that is molded into novelty poo, get old eventually. On Twitter, jokes get old even faster. There are so many things that people thought were funny for a few months that no one ever wants to see again. My goal is not to humiliate anyone or even criticize any specific tweeter with a screencap, because we all jump on the bandwagon of a new joke construction before we drive it into the ground. But I want to explain what I'm talking about, so I typed "Twitter" and the joke construction into Google and am posting an entry from the first page of results in each category with no judgments made:

2

Creeping Out Celeb Followers

One really nice thing about Twitter is that celebrities feel comfortable sharing a little bit of themselves there. It's easy to understand why: You can block someone with one click of a button, and Twitter requires you to divulge no details about your life. It's not like Facebook, with pictures and home residences. All that's there are your little microblogged comments. Just your words. And because of that, sometimes, if you share a connection or are funny enough, or have really great tits, someone really famous might follow you. And that's awesome. It really is. It might be silly, but I give you total permission to be way too happy about it. Although it's not the point of this entry, a good rule of thumb if this happens to you is to drop a direct message saying "Thank you, big fan." Then get a calendar. Mark a date six months out. Circle it. And do not ever direct message your celeb follower at all until that date has passed. You might fail (I have, to my shame), but it's the effort that counts.

Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
"Have Gladstone unfollowed, and yes, let's proceed with that restraining order."

Also, it looks super creepy if you star or retweet every single tweet they make just because they were nice enough to follow you. They know you love them. Take it easy.

1

Selling Sex

There are some thriving Twitter accounts out there featuring attractive people being attractive. I don't mean celebrity accounts. I mean Kate Upton and Adam Levine each have over a million followers just for being pretty, and good for them. When I say don't sell sex, I mean don't take the easy route of supplementing your Twitter account's lack of funny or engaging material with lots of pics of your rack. Don't get me wrong, it might help you amass a lot of followers, but you won't get a lot of respect.

Plustwentyseven/Digital Vision/Getty Images
There is, however, nothing wrong with using cleavage pics in your articles to help drive those views!

Having written for the Internet for many years, I'm already hearing the comments. "Why is this just about women!" Well, mostly because I tried really hard to think of some hated dude on Twitter who tries to compensate for his lackluster material and terrible personality by selling his smoldering sexuality, and the only dude I could come up with is me.

"Hey, baby."

No. Men just can't get away with it, probably because women are too sophisticated to fill their timeline with some lame dude's shitty tweets in the hope that he will drop in a pic of himself in jean shorts every once in a while. But there are countless men who are totally lame enough to follow a chick just because she's hot, and it might get you followers, but if you're dropping sexuality without actually being funny, it won't do a lot for you. Your followers will mostly be lame guys who for some reason follow hot chicks on Twitter instead of just cruising Internet porn.

Now I'm hearing a different comment: "Not true, I know XY&Z women who sell their sexuality on Twitter who have some impressive followers in the industry." Yeah, that's true, too, because even successful men can be creeps. But if you're not talented enough to attract followers without using your breasts, do you think that LA producer is looking to hire you as a writer? But hey, if you're making your 900th tweet about blow jobs solely to land a production assistant job and a future of nonstop sexual harassment, then proceed.

Meanwhile, all the countless talented funny women on Twitter who don't need to do that will continue to hate you, along with the other grown-ups.

GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS ON SALE NOW!

After experiencing the joy of purchasing Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.

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