4

Taco Bell's Seafood Salad

3

Burger King's Satisfries

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If you eat at fast food restaurants regularly and don't agree that Burger King has always had the worst french fries in the game, you are part of the problem. There's a damn good reason the formula of their regular fries has changed twice in the past decade or so, and that reason is that they blow. Which is why, when it came time to try and lighten up their menu, they focused all of their efforts on introducing a second french fry option called "Satisfries." The audacity!

You haven't even figured out how to make normal fries yet!

Anyway, the idea was that, because they used an oil that was something something science, these newfangled fries contained 30 percent fewer calories and 40 percent less fat than BK's regular fries. Of course, that meant they also contained approximately that much less flavor, but at least they were more expensive than the regular fries!

Even without all those obvious drawbacks, Burger King only had to look back at recent history to know right up front that this was a plan that had as much chance of succeeding as your average military occupation of Afghanistan.

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And it's half as delicious.

2

Dairy Queen's Breeze

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I mean, why? Just why? Look at the thing in the picture directly above this sentence. What in the world could that possibly be made of that would make it better for you than the average Blizzard? It still has candy in it, for one thing. There's no such thing as health candy. No, I won't click on your links that suggest I'm wrong. If it's healthy, it's not real candy. Beyond that, unless they're blending it with whipped air, it doesn't look like a significant drop in calories has taken place there.

Is it made with diet Snickers?

That's because it hasn't, and that's precisely why the Dairy Queen Breeze, introduced in 1990, was not only a failure, but a complete and total waste of everyone's time. The only real difference between this and a regular Blizzard was that it was made with frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. What kind of caloric savings does such a radical change equate to? Well, one ounce of DQ soft serve ice cream has 35 calories. The frozen yogurt used to make the Breeze, on the other hand, has only ... 25 calories? When you're talking about a difference that can be nullified by something as simple as a careless employee accidentally adding an extra .25 ounces of Butterfinger shards to the mix, you aren't going to keep a lot of people's attention.

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"Keep talking, I'm listening!"

1

Wendy's Tomato Surprise

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Having an item on a menu with the word "surprise" in the name is a red flag that a grenade of grossness is about to be hurled in your direction. In 1985, Wendy's proved that to be true when they debuted a "healthy" menu option called the Tomato Surprise. What was it? Why, a hollowed-out tomato filled with tuna, of course! It came with a side salad of cottage cheese and pineapple on lettuce. A great choice for anyone who's looking to shed a few pounds in their mid-to-late 70s.

Honestly, cottage cheese and pineapple? No one but your grandparents eat that, and even then, it's probably just because ice cream was outside the price range of most consumers during the Great Depression. Also, tuna inside a tomato? Only a fast food restaurant could turn what's essentially eating a salad into a thing you'd be embarrassed about if someone saw you do it in public.

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It gets better.

Shockingly, the powers that be never had the necessary moment of clarity that would've resulted in this abomination being stopped before it ever escaped the chamber of horrors in which evil Wendy's scientists created it. Quite the opposite. They spent a jaw-dropping $10 million in '80s cocaine money promoting it. In fact, this food crime was just one part of a larger initiative that Wendy's referred to as the "Garden Spot," which featured a whole slew of healthier menu options -- including multi-grain buns, because that should fix everything.

Nothing will undo the damage done by this commercial, though.

Wendy's patrons ignored the Garden Spot in droves. Or, as a company spokesperson explained it, "Nobody would bite." You'd think a quote machine like that could've chipped in at some point during the creative process to help come up with something more compelling than a tomato stuffed with canned fish. Whatever the case, for the most part, the garden section was shut down in most Wendy's locations by the next year.

Not all of the items introduced during Wendy's initial entry into the health food racket have been discontinued. For example, baked potatoes remain on the menu to this day. Sure, now they're covered in butter, bacon, cheese, sour cream and any number of other calorie-laden toppings, but still, way to adapt.

You don't need to go to a fast food restaurant to find nasty food. Just take a time machine. Check out 7 Gross Foods Your Grandparents Ate (That We Taste Tested) and 7 More Disgusting Foods Your Grandparents Ate (That We Taste Tested), and try not to vomit.

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