5

Offering Health Remedies For Common Maladies

It's typically a lovely gesture to tend to the sick. After all, they're sick. They need help. And I get it. I'm sick all the time because I live in the same house with three Petri dishes of contagion that I like to call my children. Buckets of floating cold viruses and stomach bugs that somehow wear pants and take a school bus.

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Me checking in on the kids before bed.

4

Helping You Clean

It's typically a lovely gesture to help someone straighten up. Maybe they hosted a totally awesome house party and you're that great friend who throws out garbage or mops the floor so that mom and dad (who on vacation in some 80s movie) don't find out about all the wild hijinks that occurred while they were gone. Or maybe your buddy is walking around with a bit of mashed potato above his left eyebrow and you surreptitiously catch it with a napkin before he hits on the girl of his dreams. (Apparently, you're all at some night club that serves mashed potatoes in this hypothetical). Those are selfless wonderful acts. You are a lovely person.

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This is what all the kids are doing these days right?

But no one likes it when you just bob on over and start cleaning something we never said was dirty. If you're in our office or cubicle or whatever and we're talking about the big report that's due Friday, don't start straightening the piles of crap on our desk. You're not helping. You're not being polite. Each right angle of paper-based perfection creates an unspoken indictment of the shithole we were apparently OK living in. Your silent dusting makes clear how completely offensive we are to you.

3

Sharing Your Crappy Memory Devices

It's typically a lovely gesture to share your wisdom. To reach out to those struggling intellectually and offer a studying aid. A trick. A way to make the facts go down just a little bit easier. I remember my older brother taught me a way to remember North, South, East, West on a map: Never Eat Sloppy Watermelon. Told me once and I never forgot. Or that one for the notes on a musical staph: Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge. (Favor if you're a Brit and/or an insufferable fancypants).

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"I prefer 'favor.' Yes, I'm British. What? I am. Dude, you're so racist."

2

Letting You Have The Right of Way When You Don't Deserve It

It's typically a lovely gesture to let others go before you. To place another's needs ahead of your own. We call that a selfless gesture, and its a sure sign of a good person. "Here. Have that last piece of candy," you say, or "No, go ahead, you tell your story first." Or if you're Cracked's own Soren Bowie, "Go ahead, stare at my lovely features. I'll look in a mirror later."

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Well, he used to say that. Now he'll probably just offer you free tickets to his revival of The Elephant Man.

But no one likes it when you're driving and you offer others the right of way -- incorrectly. See, there's the road of life and then there's the road of . . . the road. There are some differences. Mostly, the "right of way" on the road is a real thing by which people traveling at great velocity in steel containers follow in order to avoid death and serious injury. So like when we're opposite each other at stop signs, don't be waving us on if you got there first. It's your turn. If it's a 4 way stop, don't break the flow of going clockwise just to be a nice guy. You're just going to confuse us. Then some sort of hurky/jerky, Chip n' Dale, polite Mexican stand off will ensue until someone spastically creeps out into traffic only to be creamed by an oncoming Mac truck. It's your right of way, take it. You can send us a cake when you get home safely.

I'm partial to Cookie Puss.

1

Telling People What They "Forgot"

It's typically a lovely gesture to remind people not to forget important things: did you remember the directions to the sex retreat, remember your car keys, did you turn off the stove, y'know, that sort of thing. Reminders are awesome because they avoid catastrophe. After the fact, they're less helpful, but still a fine and necessary thing: you forgot the birth control, you forgot the sexual lubricant, you forgot the thing that does that thing to your thing.

The thing that does that thing to your thing.

But not one likes it when you tell them they "forgot" things when what you really mean is "hey, what about," or "another good one might be," or "personally, I think...." What am I talking about? I'm talking about the comments to Cracked lists so when I say "no one likes it when" what I guess I really mean is, "I don't like when" people say "oh you forgot" or "you missed" and then tell me things that should have been on the list. Let me clarify. I have NO problem when people suggesting things or saying things they could have been included. Indeed, I'm the first to say "oh damn, that would have been a good one!" (Freddy Mercury in a recent column about gay men who've bedded a ton of women was a huge oversight on my point and every commenter who mentioned that was completely correct). But, for the most part, these lists aren't meant to be exhaustive and there's a whole bunch of things that go into the analysis of what's included: is that entry too much like another entry, can I make that entry funny, and am I sober enough to include another entry. Very often things that were "forgotten" were simply just omitted in my ongoing efforts to bring you only the highest quality dick jokes regarding instantly disposable content. It's not a right or wrong thing.

I suppose this entry could apply to areas of life not involving Cracked lists, but hmm . . . . Tell you what. I'll leave that to you in comments. And it's not that I forgot, I'm just not smart enough to think of an example.

Don't you FORGET to watch a new episode of HATE BY NUMBERS. Also follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.