Down to the shit-filled bottom of the rabbit hole we head. Because while the other shows at least tried to shake things up sometimes, Jerry Springer has spent the past 25 years steadfastly doing not even a little bit of that. Hope the Mad Hatter enjoys human turds in his tea, because that's all he's getting from now on.
It's absolutely baffling that, in 2015, I can watch all-new episodes of Springer. For one thing, we've known it's fake for years now. They manufacture the drama, they script the fights, they coach the guests on how to hit -- they even had a "fight quota" for a while, like the show wasn't a success unless they had at least X number of fights. Jerry goes on WWE TV simply to feel something real.
World Wrestling Entertainment
Note: That something isn't better acting.
And, actually, fuck "all-new," because it's not new. Today's Springer is the exact same shit that made the show so famous in the edgy-as-fuck '90s. In 1998, I could watch a grown-ass man swear up a righteous storm because his girl turned out to have a penis AND THAT SHIT AIN'T RIGHT JERRY. Or a girlfriend OH NO YOU DI'INTs and slapfights from start to close because her boyfriend's sidepiecing with a trans girl. AND THAT SHIT AIN'T RIGHT JERRY.
Guess what I found over and over again when searching for 2015 Springer episodes? "Played By A Transsexual." "Secret Transsexual Mistresses." "You Got Me A Tranny Stripper!" Same goes for dwarves, fat people, dark-skinned people, and anyone else who doesn't look like Jerry and thus automatically becomes the punchline. And people watch this shit! Not many, but some. Because for them, it's still 1998 and that shit is HILARIOUS. Also, Limp Bizkit still rocks, Howard Stern still rules radio, Marilyn Manson is still evil and scary, and every day is NOT getting shorter and I'm NOT getting older and NOTHING'S CHANGED and society is NOT passing me by and I'm NOT going to die PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT GOING TO DIE DYIN' AIN'T RIGHT JERRY.
NBCUniversal Television Distribution
They think they've found the Fountain of Youth, but it's really just a puddle of polluted piss.
And that right there is why Springer's survival is more ridiculous than any other show (except maybe Maury -- we get it, men don't like babies). Nobody gives a fuck anymore. The conservatives and religious types who once condemned it for harbinging the End Times don't care, because nothing happened. Rome didn't fall because of strippers and catfighting, much like how it didn't fall because of Eminem, Elvis, Alice Cooper, Larry Flynt, or even Miley Cyrus. Kings and queens of controversy have mighty short reigns.
As for the show's underlying message ("people who don't look like me sure are crazy!"), nobody cares about that anymore, either. Nobody who matters, anyway. Because we're evolving, in case you haven't noticed. The people who watch "Secret Transsexual Mistresses" and side with the guy who got bamboozled by the Secret Penis Of Doom are getting old, dying, or simply fading into obscurity. They might emerge every now and again to rail against "PC culture," but they aren't funny or interesting enough to matter. They're just kind of ... there. Just like Jerry.
NBCUniversal Television Distribution
There's a very good reason the two white dudes look they're in mourning.
So let's officially ax this fake, outdated, unfunny waste of camera and replace it with something more worthwhile. Like reruns of Regis' Millionaire. You know, good, old-fashioned, wholesome '90s.
Jason isn't a world-famous gagillionaire yet AND THAT SHIT AIN'T RIGHT JERRY. Pay him in Facebook and Twitter friendship until this happens.
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