4

Moscow's Community Of Adventuring Stray Dogs

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3

Rome's Public Transit Is Screwed Because They Have Too Much History

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If you've ever been to Rome or seen pictures of anything that isn't the Colosseum, you've probably noticed the insane amount of cars and fucking, fucking scooters this city of roughly 4 million people has buzzing through its streets pretty much any time of the day. It's an ancient city with an ancient layout, and precisely none of its old roads were meant for the kind of traffic they have to take these days. As a result, people drive, park, and walk pretty much anywhere they like, depending on everyone's skills and goodwill to get from point A to point B in one piece and rendering much of the city into a constant, ever-evolving mass of assbrain-parked vehicles.

Why don't they upgrade their fucking subway system? Most major cities have at least a dozen subway lines for the sole purpose of not letting things turn into a scooter-infested hellscape. Rome, on the other hand, only recently managed to build their third subway line.

Well, they've been trying, but it's hard. Here's the problem: Rome is one of the oldest cities in the world, and it's mostly built on even more Rome. This means almost every hole you dig in the ground carries a chance of becoming an archaeological site, which in turn means building a subway line in the city runs a constant risk of devolving into a slapfight between burly construction workers and a team of archaeologists constantly standing by in case they find something interesting. Which they do. Constantly.

How To Turn It Into A Movie:

Insert Indiana Jones.

Have you seen a tunnel boring machine? They look like this:

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"FEED ME SOULS."

Now, be honest: Tell me you're not imagining a freshly Chris Pratt'd reboot Indy dropkick a giant henchman into that thing right now. Just set the plot to 1960s or so, and make the plot of the upcoming reboot/sequel revolve around hunting valuable roman artifacts in the treacherous, mob-controlled Italian tunnels.

2

Paris Can Break Your Brain Just By Being There

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There is a condition called Paris Syndrome, which is basically a dick-punch Paris deals to your brain when you find out it's very much not the quaint, friendly small town with a giant-ass metal tower in the middle that movies like to present it as. Chinese and Japanese tourists are particularly vulnerable to the phenomenon, which is a relative of Stendhal's Syndrome -- an old Cracked favorite where too many beautiful and/or powerful sensations can throw you into a full-blown psychosis.

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Much like your uncle at Hooters.

However, Paris doesn't deal in pretty; not to the extent people who only know it from movies expect, anyway. It's a large, gritty, and rude city, filled with pickpockets, traffic, and subways that smell like a dead man's armpit. Realizing this can give the unwary tourist into a multitude of physical and psychological symptoms, ranging from sweating and tremors to outright hallucinations and feelings of persecution. Some people are able to shake the syndrome away with rest, hydration, and maybe a nervous phone call to the embassy to make sure the city isn't about to fold in on them, Inception style. Others are hit so hard they actually have to be flown back home under medical supervision.

Yes, Paris can put people to hospital just by being Paris. Your move, New York.

1

Oslo Has A Park Straight Out Of Hannibal

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A few years ago, I told you about the best statue in the entire world:

Via EllenMac
That's right, "Father Of The Year."

However, that's just one of the many, many insane statues littered around Oslo's Frogner Park. Between 1920s and 1943, a sculptor called Gustav Vigeland presumably lost the battle to the cacodemons vying for the control of his brain and filled the park with 212 sculptures of demonic babies, nude people attacking each other, and, of course, the occasional combination of the two. Sure, there is normal stuff there, too, but good luck remembering the "Guy Standing With Arms Folded" statue when the next one you bump into is going to feature a dude getting eaten by a tree or a huge wheel made out of human bodies.

Hey, there's a huge monolith thing at the center of the area? I wonder what it's made o-

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But of course.

How To Turn It Into A Movie:

Those of you following NBC's Hannibal will probably recognize these statues as the exact type of body horror the show likes to throw at our retinas, only this time everyone is stone. If they ever decide to give the Mads Mikkelsen version of Hannibal an actual movie where he's on the run from whoever the hell is going to be alive to chase him by then, there are few places in the world more suitable for a final showdown than Vigeland's twisty stone-corpse land. And if they want to up the ante, someone could always bump into one of the statues and discover that they're just thin shells of clay that cover ... see? Your mind's writing the script already.

Or, you know, make this really cheery, upbeat Hugh Grant popcorn comedy. Just shoot it entirely in Frogner Park, so that every scene will feature a twisted Vigeland statue on the background. And never address the statues in any way. Now that's a romantic comedy I'd watch.

For more from Pauli, check out 5 Crazy (But Intriguing) Celebrity Conspiracy Theories and 5 Bizarre Ways People Are Fooling Surveillance Systems.

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