Movies About Taking Care Of Babies
Before the 1980s, no one had ever even heard of babies. Women got pregnant, only to find one day that they just weren't pregnant anymore. A few years later, an elementary schooler would stumble into their houses and announce, "I am your child," and they would be lovingly accepted into the family -- a family that included a mom and that's about it. Moms had not heard about babies, but dads had heard about babies even less. That's the only explanation I have for the '80s movie trend which can be summed up with "What the fuck is a baby?"
I have friends who are new parents, and from what I've gathered, taking care of a baby is no cakewalk. Yes, you are dealing with your beloved child whom you would do absolutely anything for, but you're also dealing with something that shits seemingly at the command of some trickster demon, cries when it sees a shadow, and comes completely unhinged if you breathe around it too hard. It is a far cry from what you see in things like Three Men And A Baby and Mr. Mom, in which babies are free-spirited but ultimately tamable creatures, as long as you are able to unlock the need to sleep that is hiding in every one of them.
But the comical misadventures of what happens when you put a man in a room with an infant and tell him to care for it (gasp) wasn't the only baby-centric plot that Hollywood had up its sleeve. "What if your dead cousin left you their baby as your inheritance?" asked Baby Boom. "What if Nicholas Cage AND BABIES?" asked Raising Arizona. "What if she's having a baby?" asked She's Having A Baby.
In these films, babies were still relatively normal presences, but that couldn't last for long. Hollywood blasted forward into the realm of the fantastic with Look Who's Talking, in which Bruce Willis voiced a smarmy baby who provides commentary on the world around him. The movie in which Bruce Willis voices a goddamn baby made $300 million worldwide, and it spawned a sequel, Look Who's Talking Too, wherein Willis is accompanied by Roseanne Barr voicing another baby. For all of our readers who were born after the year 2000, just know that the sentence "There was a comedy in which the star of Roseanne pretended to play a talking baby in a sequel that made far less money than its '80s predecessor" kind of sums up the early '90s for you.
Movies About Learning To Love A Ghost
Do you have someone you love? I bet they're gross and made of flesh. I bet they've got weird traits, like a bone structure and a real face. Count. Me. Out. I've ascended. Thanks to a wave of movies in the '80s and early '90s, I know that I no longer have to put up with the limitations of falling in love with a living person, or even having to deal with living people at all. I've found ghost love, and it's the purest love of all.
What bad could happen if you started a relationship with a ghost? A lot, probably. As the DVD cover of Somewhere Tomorrow, a 1983 film starring Sarah Jessica Parker, says: "Life is confusing when you fall in love with a ghost." Which is probably putting it very lightly. A more accurate title would be "Ah, Fuck, What's Wrong With Me?" but that wouldn't sell many tickets.
Instead, Hollywood has made falling head over heels for a poltergeist seem like the best thing ever. Just ask the movie Ghost, wherein Patrick Swayze provides more awesome lovin' in death than I could ever hope to in life. Or Somewhere In Time, where Christopher Reeve gets so fucking bored of human interaction in 1980 that he falls in love with a dead person he's seen in a portrait, and he then wills himself into being able to travel through time. He time travels simply because he believes that he can time travel hard enough. On the other hand, I wanted leftover hot dogs for lunch today, but I didn't want to use the effort to microwave them, so I just didn't have lunch today.
The ghost love genre spans fairly innocuous things like Deja Vu, Kiss Me Goodbye, Always, and Truly Madly Deeply, as well as some batshit insane things like Chances Are, where a reincarnated Robert Downey Jr falls in love with his daughter from his past life and then has to psychologically deal with that. How do you psychologically deal with that? A lot of crying, probably.
As it turns out, despite many, many attempts, Hollywood never did find a way to release a string of ghost love movies that weren't the weirdest things ever. This is no truer than with the tagline for Made In Heaven, in which a guy dies, meets his love in heaven, and then has to go find her on Earth: "12,000 babies will be born in the United States today. Two will already have fallen in love."
Hey, movie. How 'bout fucking not?
Daniel and the ghost just aren't working out. Console him on Twitter.
Whether or not Bigfoot wants to eat you, one thing is certain: his nudity is offensive. Fix his disturbing nakedness by giving him some dope threads.
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