Power drink we did, though. Oh! I also smoked weed for the first time that night. It was a bit much, I admit. I realized that myself sometime around 2 am when, after having spilled an orange grove's worth of screwdrivers back into the toilet where they should have been all along, I fell asleep, right there on the floor, in front of the toilet.
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Like this, except on the floor. Otherwise completely the same.
Honestly, the story is dark enough already, right? You caught the funeral part, I'm assuming. Well, don't worry, it's not all sad. There's also a healthy amount of terror, too!
See, the cousin I was living with had a snake. A pet snake. A python. It was fucking gigantic and, for reasons I'll never understand, he just let that motherfucker roam around the house freely. I remember being in the bathroom once, getting things done, if you know what I mean, when my cousin pounds on the door and says, "Dude, the snake is in there, be careful."
Wait, what? I didn't see a snake. The bathroom wasn't that big -- if there was a snake somewhere on the floor ... and that's when I thought to look up. What did I see? Approximately eight feet of deadly reptile, precariously balancing on the shower rod and shower head, almost certainly debating whether or not choking me out right there on the shitter was a feasible lunch strategy.
Until all that remains is my tail.
So, let's go back to me drinking vodka until I passed out in front of my cousin's toilet. When I woke up, I immediately realized I had a problem. The watch on my left hand, which was practically in my face when I opened my eyes, revealed the time to be 10:43 am. My father's funeral was at 11 am. This gave me approximately 17 minutes to gussy up and get to the saddest day of my life. Exactly the kind of thing you want to be in a rush to get to.