At the point you realize you've swallowed what amounts to dumpster sprinkles, there's nothing you can do. You can't legitimately expect to heave it all back up again. It's particulate matter, it's the ghost of s**t you ate for the past two or three days. It's the physical manifestation of a fart at this point, possessing your insides with insidious abandon. There is naught to do but lament how you let this happen to yourself. Because it is all on you. Your laziness, ignorance, forgetfulness. Whatever it was, you made the scum, you didn't clean the scum, you just became one with the scum.
Trying To Take Nude Selfies That Don't Look Like Cronenberg Horror
We all have bad angles when it comes to pictures. Someone's about to take a pic of the group having fun at a party, then you look and see that somehow your left eye was about an inch up and to the right, your jaw is slack, and you maybe had syrup on your chin, making you look like some kind of Waffle House Quasimodo. Maybe that's even your driver's license photo.
This is only compounded when you're not trying to just hide a double chin or that parasitic twin that keeps blinking when the flash goes off, but showing off your sexy bits to someone you obviously have a sexy interest in. The last thing you want to do is show your butthole to a friend and have them wonder why you're sending production stills of the Sarlacc.
I would love to know how many attempts the average person makes at their first nude selfie. Even if it's not intended for someone else, but your own private collection, there's a horrible realization upon seeing that first snap. You've likely seen thousands of nude photos of strangers in your life, and none of them looked like this. Even porn that's specifically about ugly people doesn't look like this.
At some point, you realize that no filter is going to help you, because this is what you are. You can only hope that whoever sees this picture is willing to love a monster.
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