For your entertainment and my sanity, here is what I wanted to tell Mr. Softee: "Holy fucking shit. Did you just offer me banana in some sort of pathetic attempt to fill the void caused by your miraculous inability to stock your ice cream truck with chocolate? How is that commensurate? In what universe would any human being possessing a functioning tongue be content to suck on a transmogrified banana in place of chocolate? Also, can we just discuss your ice cream stocking abilities for a moment. Did the public's desire for chocolate somehow take you by surprise? When you were considering the two flavors folks want in their bacteria-ridden, truck-created ice cream treats, did vanilla and chocolate not spring instantly to mind? What foul European nightmare of a country did you escape from, where they teach children to savor banana? Get used to it. Vanilla and chocolate in your truck is as American as apple pie. Apple! Not banana, but that would be a less insane substitute suggestion. Amen."
Getting Called Out On Something You've Already Owned Up To
Sometimes we just have to do things. Small things. We have to have that second helping of potato chips, we have to brag about our kids, we have to vent about things that are bothering us. We all know gluttony, boastfulness, and wrath are not admirable traits. We know we're not at our best when we engage in this behavior. But we also know we're not perfect. We're human. We're all going to give in to the occasional indulgences, and at least we have a modicum of self-awareness as we're doing it. Does announcing your sin before you engage in it automatically remove you of all liability for your sin? No, it does not. That's why Mark Wahlberg is still going to Hell for producing the Entourage movie, even though all moviegoers were fairly warned by its trailer that the movie would indeed be about Entourage.
There is no warning label of redemption for this
Nevertheless, while acknowledging your behavior doesn't give you a free pass to sin, I can't help but be miffed by people who feel the need to score moral points by pointing out bad behavior that has already been acknowledged. That's why you're a dick for saying "oink oink, little piggy" if someone announces they're violating their Atkins diet by reaching for chips. And if you're looking for more examples of this annoyance, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say there will be a few heroes in the comments who will feel the need to call me out for being a whiny little bitch in a column where I take at least a half a dozen shots at myself for making a big a deal out of nothing. They'll overlook that fact that, while getting miffed at this stupid shit isn't admirable, I'm clearly using myself as a device for everyone who's ever gotten pissed off about something they couldn't help getting pissed off about. And they'll also believe that in casting that stone at a body already self-bludgeoned with stones, everyone will be convince they could never engage in the same sin.
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