In World of Warcraft (which Iâm told is some sort of Lord of the Rings slash fiction emulator) when you advance in levels you earn the right to increasingly âepic" mounts â fantastic creatures that more fully reflect your character's grace, power and terror. And yet, this reward system is sorely lacking in real life: If I ever got a promotion, the best I could possibly hope for is a Nissan Sentra that smells slightly less like corpses than the current one. And really, fuck that noise! Epic mounts should not be reserved solely for fantasy life. So Iâve went out and found five real life epic mounts that put your pimped out Hyundai to shame.
It was a better dream. After working for years as an army mechanic, Owens decided to use the skills he learned there to build a giant functional battlemech (wait, we have mechs in the army now?) Carlos' machine is equipped with 27 hydraulic cylinders in place of muscles, which it uses to mirror the pilot's arm and leg movements.
"And... other movements. You know what I mean, ladies?" In an interview with Popular Mechanics, Owens initially talked about how he saw potential uses for this technology in everything from construction to the armed forces, but then, when pressed, he admitted to secretly just wanting hardcore mech-on-mech gladiator battles. I would have something snarky to say, but honestly, I'm just glad somebodyâs finally got their fucking priorities straight. May God bless you with ingenuity, Mr. Owens, in equal or greater measures than he has insanity.
Don't look up don't look up don'tlookup dontlookupdontlookup I will tell you what I do know off-hand: It comes equipped with steam and water cannons to the front and rear--hopefully some sort of anti-Will Smith alarm comes standard--and if you ever actually get up on one, Captain Planet will appear out of nowhere and try to fight you. It seats three drivers, but if you actually find two more people willing to ride shotgun on your rampaging spider-bot, be wary: Skeletor and Cobra Commander donât get along these days and I have it on good authority that neither will chip in for gas money.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.