Crap, I forgot to give edit permissions again. Every fucking time!
No one needs the pressure of trying to form a response on the spot. This is the exact reason we treat telephone calls like a massive life interruption. It puts you in a position of theoretically having to be available 24/7. If I see my phone blinking at 4 a.m., I have to check it to make sure there isn't some massive work emergency. If it's a drunk message from someone just going through their contacts, shotgunning the same message over and over to see who responds, they know I've seen it. Once they know I'm awake and I've seen their inebriated attempts at human speech, I'm a bitch for not giving them my time. Speaking of time ...
People See You On Facebook When You Shouldn't Be
Jacob Ammentorp Lund/iStock/Getty Images
Have you ever needed an urgent response from someone, but they're not replying? Like maybe at work, you can't move forward on a project until Toby Projectfinisher gives the go-ahead. Or maybe you're planning your Thanksgiving festivities, but you need to hear back from the one friend who can afford to bring a turkey. So you wait and wait and wait, and you're getting more pissed off by the second because your whole day is being held up ... and then you see that person fucking around on Facebook?
Or maybe you've been Toby Projectfinisher. You just posted a picture of the biggest horse cock you've ever seen, only to be met with replies of, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be working?" Or, "Shouldn't you be studying?" It's so easy to be sucked in to what's going on with other people's lives online, because you need to use the Internet to do almost anything. And it's right there. All the time. Every page has a way to share something in a few clicks. It takes zero time but gives the illusion that you're just sitting on your ass, looking through page after page of horse cock pictures until you find the exact right one for your Facebook feed.
Wait, I totally forgot why I was doing this.
I have at least 10 tabs open in Chrome while I'm awake, and my phone is no less than three feet away from me at all times. I'm on Facebook so much I should have a syndrome named after me. But whenever my icon turns that "I'm online, please interrupt my day" green, I can't tell you that I'm crazy swamped ... because I'm on Facebook. If I'm on Facebook, I can't be that busy, right?
A "share" button that comes with the little "poop" emoji. This feature is for anyone that has something else they should be doing but has to take a break to see a man about some porcelain. And then shit into that porcelain right in front of that man. It allows them to take all the time they need on Facebook without having to explain, "I'm only posting things right now because pooping is boring." You can let people know with one little icon, "Yes, I'm online, technically, but trust me -- you don't want to strike up a conversation at this very second."
I guess what I'm suggesting in every one of these entries, when you really boil it all down, is asshole management. For your contacts as well as yourself. It's become pretty obvious that self-control isn't working on its own. Might as well use the power of Facebook to impose it.
Emily works for Cracked and would like you to share this while pooping. You can also yell at her about titles on Twitter.
No matter what, Facebook will always be a place for people to prove they are better than you. See 10 different versions of this in 10 People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You On Facebook, and learn why people actually get aroused posting on Facebook in The 4 Selfish Reasons People Share A Thing On Facebook.
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