5 Dorky Hobbies Taken to Badass Extremes
How many of us grew up with geeky hobbies that we could only share with a few trusted people for fear of our underwear being permanently wedgied up to our pancreas? How many of us would love to do something awesome with those hobbies just so we could go back to the assholes who made fun of us and say, "More people told me this was awesome than live in the entire state of Wisconsin"? Settle down, dork. Your time is coming -- as evidenced by ...
Marching Bands Create Living Animations
Being a member of the school band is geeky enough all on its own. You have to put on a stupid-looking uniform with a hat that makes you look like a Japanese sex toy. You play an instrument that, unless ska comes back into style, makes your chances of getting into a band that people actually pay to hear about as good as us just dropping that whole Zooey Deschanel thing. Sorry, but it just ain't happening.
That's why it brings me such joy to see the marching band get the cheers they deserve when they do something cool like this:
That's the University of Hawaii Marching Band during halftime, forming a gigantic stick figure football player, complete with helmet, that stretches the width of the field. But just when you smile and think, "Oh, that's kind of neat," they adjust their hula skirts and lei-covered nipples and animate that bastard, making him run up to (albeit slowly) a tarp/football and kick it through human goalposts. It's such a simple idea, but listen to that crowd as the foot gets closer and closer to the "ball." Listen to the way they all wind up in an "oooOOOH" with that "here it comes" The Price is Right response.
But wait, you don't lay down the geek gauntlet without another nerd puffing up his chest and dropping into one-up stance. California not only embraced their band geekdom, but infused old school video games into their act as well. The following video was recorded from the opposite side of the field, but even upside down, this is crazy:
They started out with a simple Pong formation, complete with animated ball and sticks, then upped the stakes with Tetris. Oh, but don't think they were done. Not by a long shot. Nerds have never been happy with just 8-bit games -- and they weren't going to be happy with 8-bit band formations. Next, they played their tribute to Mortal Kombat, and just as the crowd thought they were going to settle with the "MK" logo, they fanned out into the iconic dragon head.
Then they brought out the big guns:
That's the sound of 10,000 nerd boners making a cartoonish "boing" noise.
They placed two mascots inside the Pokemon balls and then opened up to let them fight. I didn't pay much attention to this part, but I'm assuming the one on the right cuts that other one's head off while he lets out a bloodcurdling scream, begging for his life and pleading, "For the love of God, I have children!"
Followed by 27 minutes of the band taking turns urinating on his corpse.
Again, they're not done. They followed that up with Zelda, because they are required to by nerd law, and then a couple Super Mario Bros. level themes, the band forming the floating bricks as their mascot ran across the field, jumping and hitting each one. And finally, they ended with what has to be the most recognizable graphic in video game history -- even upside down:
40,000 people just admitted their nerddom by applauding.
While we're on the subject of music ...
Dorky Music Gets Injected With Awesome
If there is a level of dork lower than band geek, it would be vocal jazz groups. Especially those who specialize in scat. At the college level, they're mostly comprised of theater and music majors who haven't quite realized yet that they can't sing. Every last one of them has a core group of white girls who redefine whiteness with their complete lack of soul or rhythm, but dammit, they try.
Even taking that into account, and even realizing that this group of extremely white as fuck people fits that exact description, you can't deny that this is awesome:
This is the vocal version of the Nintendo performance from the marching bands in the above point, and you can tell by the laughter that hits the crowd when they figure out what songs they're singing just how many nerds are in that building. Pretty much everyone -- though I guess if you're in the audience at a vocal jazz performance, you're automatically a nerd. Or related to the people on stage.
It really says something that in spite of that spastic fuckhole running back and forth in a desperate attempt at comedy, people still got into it. Especially when they dropped into the Tetris section.
"Jim, we've spoken about this. Your dick does not count as the long piece."
But video games don't have the market cornered on dorky music. How many people did you know in high school who pulled into the parking lot blasting classical music through a set of 22-inch bass speakers? I'm going to guess not many. And if they did, they weren't exactly the type who had to turn away dates because their immense coolness kept their itinerary full.
But tell that to the 100 million people who have seen Lim Jeong Hyun shred the ever-loving shit out of Johann Pachelbel's "Canon":
Or Zack Kim, who not only learned the ridiculously fast theme to The Simpsons, but played it on two motherfucking guitars at the same time. I don't care how dorky my annoying friends are with their relentless Simpsons quotes -- for every ounce of geek they pump into the show, Zack drains it out like a festering boil with this performance:
Paper Craft -- Because Origami Isn't Complex Enough
Paper craft has been around for forever, but it's seen a surge of popularity over the past couple of years. Specifically when people thought, "Hey, that sounds kind of like Warcraft, only with paper instead of war! Let's do that!"
And then they did:
That's Thrall, and he's made entirely of paper.
Because, hey, when you're not playing World of Warcraft, you have to do something, right? Otherwise, every second of your day wouldn't be taken up by the game world, and -- who am I kidding, that's pretty fucking cool. I mean, personally, I lean more toward the gnome mage category, but I- oh, hey, there's one:
Is it sad that I right clicked on that chest?
Keep in mind that these things are not only extremely complicated to make, but some of them are pretty damn big. People use them as actual decorations, like sculptures or hunting trophies:
Given, they're not normal people who have a whole lot of other things going on in their lives, but still, you get the point. And I don't care how cool you are in the outside world, if you visited a geek's house and saw that they made something like that from scratch, you can't tell me you wouldn't be impressed. Look at the detail on those things. I'd be pressing my talents to even make a snowball out of paper, let alone a 3-D model of something as complex as the Lich King, complete with full armor and sword:
Come on, if you were a bully, and you decided to stalk your victim into his own bedroom, as soon as you saw that, you'd be like, "Know what? We're good. You're free to go. Here's five dollars." Though if you're the nerd, it's probably best to not keep your naked night elf out in the open:
"Oh, sorry, I didn't see that one. Give me my money back and prepare for a beating."
Geeky Art With Lego
What kind of poor bastard grows up without Lego? Even the people I knew who were so poor they just ate ice for dinner still had Legos. Given, back then, you didn't have to mortgage your fucking house to buy them, but still.
The thing is, when you were a kid, playing with Lego blocks was totally accepted because ... well, they're toys. But tell the girl you're trying to date that you still build things out of them, and she's likely to laugh at you until you lose the ability to grow hair on your balls. Unless you're Nathan Sawaya:
That's right, it's life-sized. And he's also coming out of -- a chimney? Is he Bat Santa?
That's pretty ballsy, as far as nerds go. He not only made a life-sized Batman, but made him entirely out of children's building blocks. And he did it in a place that will draw a crowd. That's as good as looking everyone in the eyes and saying, "Yeah, I did that. What the fuck are you going to do about it, bitch?"
And he makes no apologies for his dorky hobby. "What? Batman isn't nerdy enough for you? Well, try this on for size, asshole."
"Does that make you want to punch me? You should try that. Here, I'll close my eyes."
Man, I'm positive he's just daring bullies all the time. Look at his eyes in that picture. He knows for a fact that half the people who see that will slip into a primal rage upon entering the same room, and he's just begging God for the chance. It's like he graduated high school and immediately learned seven forms of martial arts, just for this moment. The preparation is done -- he's just waiting for them to take the bait.
"What, that isn't doing it for you? Because I can feel the urge to start making some Pokemon shit out of Play-Doh if you need some help. Or maybe you have kids, so you're fine with the whole Star Wars/Batman/cartoon thing. Hey, don't worry, I have just the thing for you ..."
Geeks Make Hollywood-Quality Light Saber Duels
I've never met a kid who didn't pretend at least once that he was chopping someone's face off with a light saber. Banging sticks in the backyard with his little sister until one of them got their fingers whacked -- the game always ended in tears. Get enough adult nerds and booze together in one room and the evening will end the exact same way. The only difference being that as a grownup geek, you're silently praying that one of them doesn't remember that you have an actual collection of real swords in your bedroom. Right above your snake cage.
Fortunately, most light saber geeks are also computer geeks. So instead of practicing our dipshit flailing in our backyard for all the neighbors to see, we can find a remote spot, bring a camera and look like we're doing something productive with our fanboy lust:
Like going to a deserted parking garage in street clothes and having a light saber battle to the death. That's the great thing about video and patience. Even that big ol' floppy overweight dude can come off as a fully believable modern day Jedi with enough practice and editing.
"Cut. Let's take lunch, and then we'll shoot the next six seconds."
But nothing has done more to bring nerd pride into the mainstream (at least the Internet mainstream) than Ryan vs. Dorkman 2. The video whose original was so fucking cool that nerds demanded a second part:
I don't care how much you dislike the prequels or even the Star Wars franchise as a whole. I don't care how much you detest people talking about it. I don't care how much the sound of a blaster makes you want to puke. You cannot deny that RvD2 is fucking incredible. Not only does that video make being a light saber nerd seem less embarrassing, but most people agree (myself included) that it was better than any fight in the actual goddamn films.
I'm still not doing that My Little Pony bullshit, though. Fuck you, I have standards.
For more Cheese, check out 12 Things You'll Wish You'd Never Seen Under a Microscope and Worst Job Ever: Video Game Sewer Repair.